


With Benefits

by miceenscene



Series: Shakarian - A Descent into Madness [9]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Mass Effect 2, Mutual Pining, Uh oh guess who caught feelings, spoilers: they both did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-19 16:41:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18138293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miceenscene/pseuds/miceenscene
Summary: After a drunken hook up, Shepard and Garrus decide that blowing off some steam together may be the best thing to ever happen to their relationship. They have rules to keep things neat and simple between them. But of course, they should know by now that missions never go to plan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basically I thought it was strange how Garrus and Shepard are like 'let's blow off some steam together' and then immediately jump into Serious Feelings Hour that night before the collector base. So this is my take on what would happen if they actually had a casual arrangement for most of ME2.

Shepard was usually frigid when she woke up. She couldn’t figure out if it was a being newly resurrected thing, or if it was a fun feature of her cabin on the SR2. She hadn’t been on the ship very long and already more than once she’d woken up shivering, her fingers practically frozen. But right now, she was delightfully warm. Cozy even. For some reason her bed was the perfect temperature right now. The promise of a hangover hovered in the distance. Though with her Cerberus upgrades hangovers weren't as bad as they should be. Especially since she couldn’t precisely remember what happened last night.

She stretched and stopped when she felt an unmistakable yet not unpleasant sensation. Huh, did… did she have sex last night? She cracked open an eye and looked at what she could see of the room. Clothes were thrown hither and yon. Her bra had was flung across the bedside table. But they all belonged to her. Okay, time to think through last night.

She went to the bar with Garrus after finally convincing him to step out of the main battery for at least one night. He’d been on the ship for a week and she’d hardly seen him except for the ground mission to pick up Dr. Solus. The evening was a blur of color and drinks. So many drinks. So, so many drinks. But she didn’t immediately recall any other activities. Maybe she was just imagining things. She was still getting used to this new body after all. 

She’d almost convinced herself of that when the sheets rustled without her moving them. She was not alone in her bed. Oh shit. She must have picked up someone at the bar. Damn, she might owe Garrus an apology if she ditched him last night to get laid. Hopefully he did the same. She didn’t remember much about last night, but he’d definitely seemed in need of a pick me up.

She glanced over her shoulder and her eyes grew wide. That was definitely fringe and the back of a bare carapace that she was looking at. She’d picked up a turian. Okay, weird. Very, very weird. She’d never really considered herself attracted to turians. Sure, they had a nice voices. And in a certain light they could be beautiful, but in the way a sculpture was beautiful. Obviously, Drunk Shepard had different opinions.

Well. The deed was done. And apparently done well or at least enthusiastically, if the state of her desk, the couch, and the duvet were anything to go by. How it wound up on the stairs was anyone’s guess. She wished she could remember what happened. Maybe more would come to her later. Right now she had to ask her guest to leave. A little cold perhaps, but it wasn’t like she could make him pancakes. The best she could offer him would be a dextro ration bar.

She leaned over to shake his shoulder and caught a glimpse of blue colony markings in an unmistakable pattern.

“GAH!” Shepard cried, jumping back.

Garrus shot upright, looking around for the danger. His eyes landed on her and he made a sharp noise too. His gaze glanced downward for a split-second, then ricocheted up to the ceiling. Oh right, she was very naked. Shit. She wrenched the sheets up to protect what little dignity she had left. He grabbed an edge and pulled some back. They then sat there for a moment, looking everywhere but at each other.

“Are you…” she started.

“Yes,” he said, adjusting the sheets pooling around his waist. 

“Right.”

“Ah, did we…?”

“Yep.”

“Spirits.”

They sat in silence for a full minute.

Fuck. It was one thing to ditch Garrus during a night of drinking to pick up a stranger. It was an entirely different thing to have Garrus be the stranger she picked up. This kind of thing could ruin friendships, had ruined friendships. And she didn’t want to lose him, especially not after just finding him again.

She glanced at him. He was staring down at his hands, which nervously were drumming against his thigh.

“Okay. I have a proposition,” she said, slipping into peace negotiation mode. “We talk about this calmly and rationally like two adults for five minutes and then we never have to speak about it again.”

He nodded slowly and then let out a long breath. “Yeah, that works.” 

“Yeah.” She nodded. And they were both silent for another moment. Right, now they just actually had to do the talking part. “So what… do you remember about last night?”

“I remember… the bar. We were talking and drinking… and you showed me how to play some game from Earth.”

“Nickels,” she recalled. They’d had to use bottle caps because it was hard to find physical currency this far out in the Terminus systems. Garrus had been surprisingly bad at it. 

“Yeah… it gets a little blurry after that.” He frowned. “But I think we decided to call it a night and come back to the  _ Normandy _ .”

“We went through the shuttle bay ‘cause we didn’t want… Miranda to know we were drunk?” It seemed so rational at the time, but it didn’t make a lot of sense now in the cold light of morning. 

“I think so, yeah. We got on the elevator and…” His mouth opened and closed a few times. “And I didn’t get off at the crew quarters.”

A vague memory of kissing in the elevator rose to the surface. She didn’t remember much, just that she liked it.  _ Really _ liked it.

“Right and then we…” She waved a hand at the wreckage around them before returning it to securely hold the sheets in place.

“Yeah.”

They were quiet again.

“Now what?” he asked, glancing at her.

She glanced back. “I…” God, this was tricky. This was why people didn’t just sleep with their friends. “Can… we just chalk it up to experience?” 

Finally, they looked at each other. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, frowning a little.

“We’ve both had a really rough go of things lately and we have a downright insane job ahead of us. Tensions are high and we’re burnt out…” She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “And, I don’t know about you, but you’re about the only person on this ship that I really trust right now.”

He nodded. “Me too. I mean… you know what I meant.”

That made her feel a little better. She gave him a half-smile. “So… to me, I guess it kinda makes sense that we got drunk and then hooked up.”

“People do stupid things when they’re drunk,” he added.

“Exactly. Just so happens that the stupid thing we did was each other.”

He chuckled and she relaxed. Thank god, maybe they’d get through this.

“That makes sense,” he mused. “What about going forward?”

“I don’t want this to change things, Garrus. Between us.”

“I don’t want that either.”

“Okay… so this was just… a crazy one-time thing. Another installment in the adventures of Shepard and Vakarian.”

His shoulders relaxed and he smiled a little. “Good. Sounds good.”

“Good.”

The silence between them wasn’t so icy this time. Had she really managed to navigate a morning after conversation with her best friend so easily? Of course it shouldn’t surprise her that he was on the same page. It’d always been like that with them. Innate and inexplicable understanding even from the very beginning.

“Are our five minutes of honest conversation up?” he asked. 

She leaned back against the headboard. “I think we have time for one more question.” 

“Was it good for you?” he asked carefully.

She quirked an eyebrow at him. “Do you want me to stroke your ego? Or tell you the truth?”

“Aren’t they the same thing?” He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes.

“Your ego’s big enough without any help from me.” She snagged the bra off the nightstand and deftly put it on. When she looked back he was patiently waiting. Oh, he actually wanted an answer. “From what I remember… yeah. It was good.”

His mandibles flicked out and in with an audible click. 

She rolled her eyes even harder. “You don’t have to look so pleased about that.”

He did it again but louder this time. Which just made her glare at him. 

“You’re an ass, Vakarian.”

He laughed. “If it makes you feel any better… it was good for me too,” he offered, sounding at least a little sincere at the last part.

“That does actually.”

They both turned away and began the awkward process of quickly dressing. Garrus’ clothes were in a small pile near the foot of the bed while hers were scattered about the room like confetti. Her shirt was by the fish tank. Her pants were on Garrus’ side of the bed. She found her underwear by the desk with the gusset ripped clean through. She stared at them for a moment, her face growing warm. That should not have been as hot as it was.

“So we never speak of this again?” he asked, standing by the door. 

She whipped back around to face him. “Yes, please.”

“Okay. I’ll be in the battery.” And he stepped out the door.

“Uh, wait.” She jumped to the threshold. “Do me a favor and go all the way down to the shuttle bay and  _ then _ go to the battery?” Garrus might have been understanding, but her Cerberus crew probably wouldn’t be.

He smiled a little and nodded as the doors opened. “Of course, Shepard.” And the doors shut again.

She let out a breath and turned back to face her cabin. It painted a vivid picture. But that was okay. Garrus was still her friend. They’d never talk about it again. And no one else would be the wiser. This didn’t change anything. So she’d slept with Garrus. So what?


	2. Chapter 2

Garrus set an installation to run and stretched his neck from side to side. Calibrations on the main gun were a slow process that felt like he was trying to swallow a mountain, one bite at a time. It was frustrating at times, to say the least. As he watched the progress bar fill, his mind wandered. It had been a week since the Night That They Didn’t Talk About and things had been completely normal with Shepard. Strangely enough. 

Admittedly, he was extra vigilant the first few days. Garrus had seen at C-Sec what happened to a few co-workers who’d started casually hooking up. The man had gotten more attached than she did and things had ended badly. Shouting match in the bullpen and a write up in their files, badly. And despite what Shepard said the morning after, he was a little worried that they would head down the same path.

And then, as per usual, his fears were completely unfounded. Shepard was professional, straight-forward. If anything, she was more cheerful than she’d been since he joined the SR2. She took him on a ground mission to pick up a loud-mouthed human named Jack. Now they were on their way to the Citadel to pick up a master thief. And Shepard was exactly the same. Except now he knew what she tasted like. 

He still didn’t remember all of what happened that night. But little bits and pieces kept filtering in, showing up at inopportune moments. He remembered her licking the sensitive skin of his waist during a briefing meeting. How her nipples tightened under even the slightest attention reappeared as he was installing a new mod. And, of course, the way she felt around him when he was buried deep inside her. Oh,  _ that _ choice memory returned during dinner. Shepard had just sat down across from him and suddenly he lost the ability to speak. Or look at her.

It was just sex. Very  _ very _ good sex, if his memories were to be believed. But just sex! Just one time. Well, three times, but one encounter. And he couldn’t Stop Thinking about it. And worse, he couldn’t figure out why. It had been a while for him, sure. A very long while, a bitter voice reminded him. Was that why he kept thinking about it? 

Maybe it was just the distraction. Two long years of mourning his best friend capped off by watching all his hard work burn and his whole team be slaughtered was certainly enough to set anyone on edge. It was much more pleasant to instead think about what would happen if Shepard pinned him to the bed and ground her hips against his plates while she kissed him. Again.

“Garrus?” 

Embarrassingly, he actually flinched as he refocused on the present. Shepard was standing next to him at the console.

She grinned at him. “You must have been somewhere really pleasant. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you space out like that.”

He kept a tight rein on his imagination and simply nodded. “Sorry about that. Did you need me for something?”

She shook her head. “Got a minute?”

“Yeah, actually.”

“You sure you’re not in the middle of some calibrations?” She sounded very amused.

“It’s not my fault you have poor timing.” He leaned against the console and crossed his arms.

“Oh, I see. The problems lie with me.”

“You are the commanding officer,” he said, loftily. She punched his arm and grinned. “What’d you need?”

She looked at him for a moment. “I just wanted to check in with you. See if things were okay. You seemed kind of...” She shrugged her shoulders. “Twitchy, lately.”

Crap. Of course she’d noticed. Very little ever escaped her eagle eye. “Everything’s fine,” he said, maybe a little too quickly.

Shepard didn’t seem convinced. “You sure?”

He nodded.

She frowned a little bit and then glanced towards the shut door. “Look,” she said in a lower tone. “I know I sort of lead the charge after we… I didn’t mean to bowl you over or push you to--”

“No, no,” he cut her off. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s ...fine,” he finished weakly. Now if he could just stop thinking about it, then everything would actually be fine. But that wasn’t Shepard’s fault and it wasn’t anything she could fix either. He would deal with it.

She seemed to believe him that time. “Okay.” She leaned back against the console and folded her arms as well. “Good then. I was… never mind, doesn’t matter.” 

She tucked some of her hair behind her ear and suddenly he was reminded of how she moaned when he tugged on that little bit of flesh at the bottom of it with his mouth. It had shot straight down to his--Spirits. Even worse, Shepard was talking and he missed it.

“--Korlus. Not really sure what we’ll find down there. So I’d like you to be on that ground mission when we get there, if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll be right behind you.” Behind you, under you, over you--Stop.

“I want to take Jack as well. I’m hoping that if we get her out in the field maybe she’ll calm down a little.”

“You think so?”

“Eh, I’m not holding my breath.” She smiled and shook her head. “Where does the Illusive Man even find these people?”

“Hell if I know.”

She counted on her fingers. “A super biotic murderer, a former STG operative turned doctor. After we pick up the master thief, we’re getting some krogan genophage mad scientist. And you. Even you’re not immune. You became some sort of space Batman on Omega.” She gave him a half-smile, which he returned.

“And you’re the savior of the Citadel who was dead for the past two years.”

“Yeah, alright. Guess the crazy can’t be contained. Maybe there’s something in the water.” Shepard laughed a little. “Certainly would explain why we--” She suddenly stopped herself and looked away. He knew the end of her sentence anyway and it made his heart rate pick up a little to hear her reference it.

“Thought we weren’t going to talk about that,” Garrus said quietly. 

“We’re not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

Oh, he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind at all. He might have to go take a shower that would make Noveria seem like a tropical destination, but he really wanted to hear her mention it again.

“Garrus,” she said.

He looked up and met her gaze. And suddenly it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. He could practically hear every single heart beat. They just stared at each other as the seconds ticked by, something intangible yet almost palpable growing between them. Till finally it snapped.

Looking back on it, Garrus was never sure who made the first move. They were in sync in the battlefield, why not the bedroom? Or main battery, as it so happened. All he knew was that suddenly, instantaneously, her arms were around his neck and his hands were about her waist. They roved up and down her sides as her oh so human lips kissed his mouth. He tried to reciprocate, but there were just some things that evolution didn’t deem useful for his species. 

However, another vague memory rose to the surface and carefully, he ran his tongue along her lips. They immediately opened and her warm, strangely short tongue brushed against his in a way that made him shiver. Shepard was making all sorts of wonderful noises, low hums and heavy inhales. They didn’t reverberate quite the way subvocals would, but it was still more than effective for him. 

He slipped out enough to nibble his way up her jaw then trail the tip of his tongue over the shell of her ear. He captured the lobe in between his mouth-plates and tugged on it. She gasped sharply and arched up towards him. Oh, that was even better than he remembered.

He was distracted from further ministrations when he felt her nimble fingers rub the sensitive spot beneath his fringe in a very particular pattern. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who remembered a few helpful tricks. It sent a shudder down his spine and a low rumble of desire began in his chest. It grew louder as she pressed wet kisses along his neck and then ran her tongue along the underside of his mandible. She was soft and strong and smelled so, so good. He pulled her closer still. Spirits, he wanted her. He wanted her now. But what if--

“Shepard, we can stop if you--” He took a mental step back, though every fiber of his being screamed at him in frustration.

“Garrus, shut up and fuck me,” she said, low in her throat. 

Oh gods, Yes. 

She grabbed the front of his cowl and pulled him back down for another bone-melting kiss. His hands found their way under her shirt, savoring how smooth her skin was. Meanwhile, her hand grabbed a latch on his armor and tried to pull it open. Crap, why was he wearing armor? This would take so long to get off. 

“Damn it,” he muttered and stepped back from her. She let out the most frustrated groan, until she saw what he was doing. He yanked off the chest plate and the gauntlets faster than he probably ever had in his life. He was about half way through pulling off one of the greaves when he suddenly saw a bit of Shepard’s clothing flutter to the ground. Her bra to be exact. Thank the Spirits he’d already removed his groin plate because the sight of her, all curves and unplated hard-packed muscle, created tension that would have been downright painful if he was wearing more than his undersuit. 

What he’d gotten off would have to do, he suddenly decided. He wasn’t waiting anymore. He stood back up and grabbed her to him, laving her now exposed collarbone with his tongue. She clung to him and did much the same along his neck. A guttural groan fell out of him as she rubbed deliberately along his waist. The fabric of his undersuit was both parts frustrating and tantalizing. 

He realized after a moment that he’d been rubbing his own hands over her waist, to little effect. Right, that area wasn’t quite the same for Shepard. He slipped his hands up her front and grazed over the some of the softest skin he’d ever felt. She sucked in a breath through her teeth and arched her back to press more of her breasts into his hands. That was a good sign. He circled a thumb around one nipple, taking a moment to admire how it puckered. She was so sensitive. It was such a strange and fascinating contrast with who she was as a person.

“Garrus,” she whispered needily, bringing his attention back to the forefront. He ducked his head and traced his tongue in a similar pattern around the other nipple and her hips jerked towards him. That was  _ definitely _ a good sign. He slipped his hand down over her smooth stomach, enjoying the way her muscles twitched under his fingers, and then pressed his palm up against her juncture. 

She gasped. Her hands gripped his upper arms tightly and she rocked against him, seeking more pressure. He placed a steadying hand at her waist and slipped a finger up to circle her center. She tucked her face against his neck, her breathing came out in short pants. She was so warm and slick. If he remembered right, there was a certain spot--she cried out and her grip tightened as he ran over a small bundle of flesh near the top. Ah hah.

He pulled her closer and caressed that spot delicately. It was nearly magical the way she started to unravel from so little. Her whole body shuddered and her grip kept flexing. Not to mention the sounds--high gasps and low throaty moans. The sounds alone were very nearly his undoing. He eased her back towards the console, alternating strokes and steps as she grew closer and closer to her peak.

Suddenly, he pulled his hand away and the look of utter betrayal she gave him almost made him laugh. But then he spun her around and bent her over the console while nibbling on her shoulder. She ground her supple backside against him, not doubt feeling how hard he was. He’d been unsheathed and ready for a while now. For a few moments, he just let her writhe and enjoyed the thoroughly exquisite torture of her moving beneath him.

She huffed out a frustrated breath. “Come on,” she whined. He didn’t reply, just let her squirm for a second more as he freed himself from the undersuit. Her whine suddenly turned to a whimper as he pressed his length against her.

“Is this what you wanted?” he asked in a deep rumbling voice. She bit her lower lip and nodded. He slowly slipped along her center, angling so he rubbed that spot he’d found earlier.

“Fuck, Garrus.” She dropped her head and moved with him, rising up on her toes and dropping back down to her heels. He lined up with her entrance and pressed inside. She was warm and wet and snug around him. Slowly, steadily, he moved forward, running a hand up and down her back, till his hips were flush with hers. This, this was far better than he remembered. He leaned over her and pressed a lipless kiss to the side of her neck.

“You good?” he managed, his voice shaking.

She nodded. “Just give me a sec,” she said. Her eyes were screwed shut. 

She grabbed his hand and pulled it around her, pressing his finger to that spot again just above where he was inside her. He circled a finger over it and her inner walls fluttered around him.

“Spirits,” he swore and rested his forehead on her upper back to pull himself back together. He could have sworn he heard her chuckle.

He ghosted touches over the nub and she began to move beneath him, her hips jerking towards his finger. He experimentally rocked against her and she moaned. He rocked again and she pushed back against him. He started a steady rhythm, but didn’t speed up or change how barely he was touching her.

Another frustrated whine left her throat. “Come  _ on _ , Garrus.”

“Yes, Shepard?” he asked. He pulled back suddenly and then thrust forward, pushing her further up the console. She gasped sharply. But then he returned into his gentle rhythm. “Something on your mind?”

“You… rat bastard,” she said, through gritted teeth. At that he had to chuckle. But he did speed up his motions, pushing further, pulling farther. Every so often moving unexpectedly just to keep her on her toes, figuratively and literally. She looked amazing. He could see her muscles stretching and straining beneath her skin as they moved together. She felt amazing. It was like someone lit a fire in his bloodstream. Sooner than he would have liked he could feel the tension start to build exponentially. His peak was in sight.

“I-I’m close,” she gasped, rising up on her toes with each thrust.

“Right behind you,” he replied, doubling down on his ministrations for her. This was going be good for her again, he’d make sure of that. He stroked her one, two, three more times then suddenly, she swiftly inhaled and stiffened beneath him. At once, he felt her contract around him and that was his end. The fire became white hot. It was all he could do to remain standing as the world shattered around him in the best way.

The first thing he noticed was how hard he was breathing. It was like he’d sprinted the entire length of the Citadel. His eyes drifted open to find that Shepard was much the same. She looked thoroughly debauched, lying boneless in front of him. Her hair was a mess and tiny beads of moisture dotted along her spine. It was a brief moment of pride to know that he had been the one to make Commander Shepard come absolutely undone. 

But then reality caught up with him all too quickly. He had slept with Shepard. Again. Her eyes opened and it seemed she was thinking much the same. She slid off the console and stood though her knees shook a little.

She cleared her throat. “...You haven’t been drinking at your station by any chance?” she asked, looking trepidatiously up at him.

“No. You?”

“No. Shit.”

They looked away from each other and silence descended. Dammit. The fling last week was supposed to be some crazy one-time thing. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Once could be written off an accident, twice was a little harder to explain. This was definitely going to change things, he could practically see it now. He didn’t want to lose Shepard over this. And even with as crazy at it all was, he still really wanted to do it again. ...Was there a way they could have both?

“You know, on turian ships this kind of thing happens… fairly often,” he started cautiously. 

She looked back to him. “What do you mean?” He half-gestured towards the console. “Oh. Really?”

“There’s not as many regulations regarding fraternization… and sometimes you just need to blow off some steam.”

She nodded a little. “Right, yeah. Blow off steam.”

Garrus screwed up every bit of courage he possessed. “You said it yourself, we have an absolutely insane task ahead of us and we’re surrounded by crazy people. The last couple of years have been kind of rough for me, personally--” Whoa, don’t go too far down that road. He corrected his course and fired a shot across the bow. “I guess, I’m trying to say that… if you wanted to make this a standing arrangement, I… would be in favor of that as well.”

She seemed to be thinking about it. “Does it always have to be standing?” she asked and then smirked.

He chuckled. “Not if you don’t want it to be.”

She let out a breath and nodded. “I… would also be in favor of that.”

Whoa. He more expected her to throw him out the airlock than agree with him. That’d actually worked? He smiled.

“We should probably set up some ground rules though,” she added.

“Of course. Did you have some in mind?”

She picked up her bra and put it back on. “This is just two friends blowing off steam, right? It’s just about the sex.”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Then no staying over in my cabin.”

He nodded. “Makes sense. I don’t think we should tell anyone else. Humans are strange about sex sometimes.” He put back on the one greave he’d managed to remove.

She looked amused and pulled her shirt back on. “Yes, discretion will be key. Uh… if either of us find someone that we want to date exclusively, this arrangement wouldn’t stand in the way of that,” she suggested. 

“Yeah.” He picked up his chestplate and smirked at her. “Oh, this one is important. Don’t fall in love with me, Shepard,” he said in mock serious tones. She smiled as she pulled up her pants. “I mean it.”

She laughed. “I don’t think that will be a problem. But I will give it my best effort.”

“Okay then.”

“Okay then,” she repeated. She smoothed her hair and nodded before turning for the door. “Oh, ah… this was good. Really good.”

He grinned back. “Yeah. Really good.”

“Catch you later, Garrus.”

“I’ll be here if you need me.”

The doors shut behind her. 

Well. This was a turn of events that he never would have expected. Never in his wildest dreams would he have ever thought that he’d have this sort of arrangement with Shepard. Or really any sort of arrangement. But here they were and it was fringe-curlingly good. He’d be a damned liar if he’d said their encounter hadn’t drastically improved his mood. This blowing off steam together could be the best thing that ever happened to them. And the best part was, this didn’t change anything. So he was sleeping with Shepard. So what?


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey Commander,” Joker flagged Shepard down as she headed through the CIC. He hobbled over and held out a datapad. “I need your okay on this.”

She took it from him and looked it over, medical requisitions for the next time they made port. She scrolled down the rather extensive list.

“So when are you gonna pop the top off the super krogan down in the hold?” he asked, leaning against the railing.

She glanced up at him. “Haven’t decided if I will or not yet.”

“Aw, come on. It wouldn’t be a Shepard mission without at least one extremely dangerous, difficult to control alien lifeform aboard.”

She laughed a little and pressed her thumb to the reader at the bottom to sign off on the list. “And who was it last time?” She passed it to Joker, who just swiped to the next list and handed it back.

“Garrus, of course.” Joker shrugged and grinned. At that moment, Garrus happened to be walking by himself. No doubt intentional on Joker’s part.

“Never knew you thought so highly of me, Joker,” he replied, dryly as he passed by. “I’m touched, really.”

Shepard looked up from the pad. “Oh, hey Garrus,” she called after him. He stopped and turned around. “Could you stop by my cabin later? I have some schematics for a new main gun I’d like to get your eyes on.”

“Sure thing, Shepard.” He nodded and then continued on his way.

“Schematics,” Joker repeated with half-laugh. “Is that what the kids are calling it these days?”

“I wouldn’t know,” she said, doing her best to sound disinterested. “Being dead for two years has made me really behind on the slang.”

“Hey, we said you could only make those jokes once a month.”

She grinned at him and signed off on the next list. She held it out and again he swiped to the next list. “How many cases of medigel does Chakwas need?” she muttered.

“With you and Garrus on almost every ground mission, a lot.”

“We’re not as bad as we used to be,” Shepard reasoned lightly.

“True, I guess Garrus weaponizing that stick up his ass really makes a difference.”

Shepard rolled her eyes and glanced over the rest of the list. It all looked fine so she signed off and finally handed the datapad back to Joker.

“Oh, wait, I have one more thing to add to requisitions: a date for Garrus. It sounds crazy, but I really think if we got him laid, he’d be a lot more fun to be around.”

Shepard chuckled and crossed her arms. “You really think that would make a difference?”

“Probably not, but you gotta have hope, Commander,” he said as he hobbled back to the flight deck.

It was later in the evening when her door chimed with an alert that someone was on the other side. Shepard didn’t glance up from the mission report she was still working on after Korlus. 

“Come in,” she said, rereading her last few paragraphs. There wasn’t really a good way to say ‘the guy we came for was dead and now we have a completely untested unknown variable on ice down in the hold because it seemed better than coming back with nothing’. The doors hissed open and she glanced over her shoulder to see Garrus hovering in the entryway.

“So do you actually have schematics for a new main gun, or did I get excited over nothing?” he drawled.

She spun her chair around and smirked at him. “How long did it take before you figured it out?”

“Longer than I’m willing to admit.”

She laughed and turned back to her report, saving it and setting aside to finish later. “I think the Thanix you proposed will be fine, just have to find enough platinum first.”

She spun back to face him again and crossed her legs, bouncing her free foot slightly. For a moment, she just studied him, drinking him in so to speak. He didn’t cringe or shrink back under her gaze, just looked right back at her. That was one thing she’d always appreciated about Garrus. Where others faltered or hesitated, he was always right there with her. And usually already packing the munitions. 

“Is there anything else, Commander?” he asked, tilting his head a little and sounding amused. 

She smiled just a touch. “Not particularly, unless you have a free say… twenty minutes?”

He scoffed. “I’m almost offended.”

“You think you won’t need that long?” Her smile grew wider.

“You know, I could just go back downstairs,” he started, turning towards the door.

“Oh, no, you don’t.” 

She stood up and practically threw herself at him. He caught her with ease and turned to pin her against the wall with his carapace. Sometimes she forgot just how strong he was. This particular reminder was damn sexy. She wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed along his neck. The skin at the top, near his face, seemed to be more sensitive last time. As she caressed it, he let out a low hum and a smile spread across her face.

His hands slipped down to squeeze her buttocks and run along the backs of her thighs. At the same time, he nibbled his way up her neck and then ran his raspy tongue over her ear in a way that made her absolutely melt. How had he gotten so good at that so fast? Turnabout being fair play, she reached up to find that area under his fringe that made him shudder. She delicately dragged her dull nails across the exposed skin and he growled. He pressed her tighter against the wall and she was reminded that he was still wearing that damn armour. 

She reached down, searching for the latch along the side of his chest. Ah, there it was. She pulled on it and the seal came undone this time.

He chuckled. “Impatient, are we?”

She scrambled to find the other latches. “I wouldn’t have to be if you didn’t wear body armor to these meetings,” she grumbled, breathlessly. 

He chuckled some more and leisurely ran his tongue over her neck again, making her shudder and not helping her one bit. “I’d like to see what you’d wear if you worked on a ship crewed by xenophobes.”

She stopped. “Wait.” She leaned back to try and look at his face. “Garrus, is everything okay?”

He avoided her gaze and shook his head. “No--crap. No, everything’s okay. Ignore that--” He leaned towards her neck again, but she stopped him with a few fingers on his mandible.

“Do I need to talk to someone? I’m not going to put up with that bullshit on my ship, I don’t care what Cerberus says.” She found herself getting angry. “If I need to bust a racist’s ass, I’ll do it,” she insisted, searching his face for the truth.

He wrapped his hand around hers and gave her fingers a squeeze. “I know.  _ Believe _ me, I know you will. But it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

She frowned. That wasn’t the answer she was hoping for, or one that felt very honest. “This is your ship. If you can’t feel safe here, where can you feel safe?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment, his thumb rubbing idly over her hip. He seemed to be weighing his words very carefully. “I don’t feel safe a lot of places anymore. But I… feel safe with you,” he finally said. 

His eyes met hers and he seemed tired. A far cry from that upstart C-Sec detective she’d met not too long ago. Some days it was easy to feel like she hadn’t missed much at all by being dead for two years. And other moments, like right now, she saw the cost far too clearly. 

“And that’s enough for me. I promise, nothing’s happened. Just…” He sighed. “Just being cautious and realizing that I’m even worse at bedroom banter than I feared.”

She sighed as well and shook her head. “You and me both.” She was still pinned against the wall with her legs wrapped around him. “Sorry to kill the mood.”

“I think we both had a hand on that murder weapon.” One of his mandibles flicked out in an approximation of an apologetic smile. She unhooked her ankles and he stepped back to let her stand.

“If you want to go back downstairs, I understand,” she said quietly.

He was quiet for a moment. “What if I don’t?”

She looked back at him and smiled a little. She stood up on her toes and kissed him softly. Just testing the waters. His eyes were closed when she looked at him again. So she traced her fingers along his neck, relishing the way he hummed as she did, before wrapping her arms around and pulling him down for a deep kiss. It was a little strange kissing a flat surface, but his mouth was more flexible than she’d expected. And his wonderfully wicked tongue made up any difference.

It wasn’t long before her heart rate was speeding back up, her breathing growing heavy. He bent her backwards slightly, holding her against him at her waist. Then suddenly his hands swooped down and he picked her up as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Her legs wound above his waist and she rained small pecks over his cheeks and mandibles. He was warm and solid on her lips, a steady hum coming from his chest. She expected him to pin her against the wall again, but instead he carried her down the stairs and towards the bed. He stopped at the edge as she kissed him again, their mouths open and her tongue stroking against his. A familiar heat began to pool between her legs.

Then suddenly, she was falling back on the bed as he’d dropped her with very little ceremony. He grinned down at her shocked expression. Oh, two could play at that game. He moved towards her again and she stopped him with a foot on his chest.

“No body armour allowed in this bed,” she said with a coy smile.

His gaze was heated, but he stood back up and finished removing his chest plate. The rest of the pieces fell away far too quickly and he was left in his dark grey undersuit. He moved to unzip it and she made a small noise in the back of her throat.

“You want me to leave this on?” he asked, sounding a little confused.

“Garrus, don’t you know that half the fun is unwrapping your presents?” She smiled and scooted further up on the bed. 

He laughed a little. “Can’t argue with that logic,” he said, crawling on to the bed over her. His head immediately dipped down to lavish her neck with attention. She arched up towards him, wanting to feel more of him against her. He happily obliged her, letting her wrap her legs around him again. 

However, that put her in the perfect position to flip him, which she did. He looked a little bewildered to be suddenly on his back, but relaxed when she pulled off her shirt and tossed it aside. This arrangement of theirs was still new and some part of her still wondered that he might be turned off by her very un-turian body. But the way he sat up and immediately pressed his face to her breasts proved her wrong. And when she felt his tongue sneak out and run over her nipple through the fabric of her bra, well, she was embarrassed by the sound that came out of her. He just chuckled and did it again.

She reached back to unhook her bra, but he batted her hands away. She let him take over and focused her attention on placing soft lingering kisses along his mandibles. A few minutes passed and she could feel him grow more and more frustrated and not in the good way.

“Want some help?” she finally asked.

“There has to be a trick to it,” he muttered, giving up and dropping his hands.

She chuckled and unhooked it easily. “No trick. Just practice… and two extra fingers, perhaps.”

He let out an unamused chuff and she laughed again. He slid the straps down her shoulders and pulled the garment away. She shivered. Though whether it was the cool air of the cabin or his gaze upon her, she wasn’t sure. He pulled her back in for another kiss, his talons tracing lightly down her back. Her arms broke out in goosebumps. This wasn’t enough. She wanted to feel more of him. She reached for the hidden zipper on his suit and quickly pulled it open. 

He blinked at her in surprise. “How did you…?” he asked, as she yanked the thick fabric down over his shoulders and chest.

“I don’t like to go into battle unprepared,” she replied with an air of mystery. Actually she’d fallen down a rabbit hole on the extranet one night back on the SR1 and wasn’t it just lucky that she had a chance to use this knowledge?

His mandibles twitched in an answering grin and he leaned forward to push her back onto the bed. “Glad I’m not the only one who did  _ research _ ,” he rumbled in a very low tone. She almost felt it more than heard it, it seemed to resonate through her and hit the very best places.

“Damn, how did you make research sound sexy?” she said, suddenly breathless. 

He rumbled again something that sounded like a laugh and started tracing his mouth plates over her collarbones. He leisurely wound his way down her torso, stopping to tease the places that made her gasp. He stopped when he reached the waistband of her pants and he looked back to her, a question in his eyes. She nodded.

In a flash the pants were gone and she wasn’t even given a chance to think before suddenly he was upon her. And then it wasn’t possible for coherent thought. He was a quick study, finding the spots, the gestures that made her toes curl and her back arch. Nonsensical words and noises were bubbling out of her. God bless his meticulous thoroughness which translated so, so well to this moment. Briefly, she got a glimpse of his head buried between her thighs. He looked up and locked eyes with her as he did something particularly clever with his tongue and that was it. Her orgasm abruptly hit her like a truck. Suddenly she was shuddering and shaking and he was coaxing every last bit of it out of her till she was just a puddle. Holy. Shit. 

Experimentally, his tongue gently brushed her again and she curled over, shoving his head back and away, despite her languid afterglow.

“Sorry,” he said, breathing heavily himself.

“You… don’t have to apologize for  _ anything _ ,” she managed, flopping back on the bed. Her bones didn’t really work right now. She took another steadying breath, trying to find solid ground. “Just need a second…”

He chuckled and crawled up to lie next to her, observing the absolute wreck he’d turned her into. She glanced at him. Oh, he looked so damn smug. And she couldn’t even be mad about it.

“I assume that was satisfactory,” he said as he lazily trailed a talon up her arm.

“Five stars. Would recommend.” She smiled over at him, her heartbeat returning to something of a normal rhythm. “Your turn.” She sat up and he quickly sat up as well.

“I don’t--” He put a hand on her arm and was shaking his head. “If you mean what I think you mean… I don’t know if that’s for me.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. “Really?”

He nodded. “I don’t know how I feel about letting a mouth that close to…” he trailed off.

“Says the man with the pointy teeth who just gave me the orgasm of a lifetime.” She smiled and shrugged. “Okay then.” She glanced him over and trailed a hand down his side, pausing to caress over his waist, before pulling on his undersuit that was still half-way on. “If you take this off, we can do this the turian-approved way.”

He relaxed and stood to shimmy out of his suit. Meanwhile, she quickly arranged a few pillows at the head of the bed. When he was free, she looked at him for a second. Right, he was very not human, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just that meant she had to work to get him ready like he had her. She smiled a little and patted the spot she’d made invitingly.

“Sit here.”

He did as she said, and she straddled his lap.

“Ah,” he said. “Wasn’t sure what your plan was at first.”

“I always have a plan,” she said, kissing his neck languorously.

“The rest of the crew may be new and overawed, but I’ve been with you since the beginning, Shepard. I  _ know _ that’s patently untrue.”

She chuckled and wrapped her arms around him to stroke at that spot under his fringe. “No, I  _ do _ always have a plan. Just sometimes the plan is run and don’t die.”

He laughed a little, which turned into a low rumble as one of her hands dropped to caress the unplated skin of his waist. She continued the motion, changing up her rhythm and intensity just to keep him off balance. It wasn’t long before he was continually purring beneath her and she felt something much more familiar slide out along her stomach. She trailed the tips of her fingers along his length. His hands, which had been stroking up and down her thighs, suddenly gripped her.

“Too much?” she asked. He shook his head. She stroked him more deliberately this time and his head dropped to her shoulder. She must be doing something right. She did it again.

“Shepard,” he whispered, his voice thick with need. Well, if that wasn’t the most beautiful sound in the galaxy. She understood now why he’d looked so smug earlier. It was incredible to watch him start to come apart at the seams. But she wanted to see the full effect.

She rose up on her knees and guided him towards her entrance. She hovered there for a moment, just swiveling her hips slightly as he bucked and twitched beneath her. She wanted this so much, but it was intoxicating to just hover in this moment of anticipation.

“Please,” he whispered, looking up at her. A flush suddenly bloomed down her spine.

“Since you asked so nicely,” she whispered back, her own voice strangled and wavering. And she sank slowly down onto him.

She took a moment to catch her breath and just feel him inside her. He was larger, to be sure, but also shaped differently. Even if she closed her eyes, she wouldn’t be able to pretend it was one of her own species. While a bit imperfect, they still fit together. They made it work. Just like on the battlefield, just like their friendship. Adjustments were made and then things flowed like clockwork.

And they did indeed flow like clockwork. Their movements started slow, cautiously careful. Finding what was sustainable, what felt the best for both of them. His hands roamed her body as she moved, as if memorizing her hills and valleys. She found herself holding herself closer to him, wanting to feel as much of him against as much of her as possible. He reached down to stroke her clit and she pressed her face against his neck. Everything began focusing down to a single point.

“Shepard,” he groaned, panting with each stroke.

“Come on, Garrus,” she managed, just barely fighting her own release. She ran her fingers over the bare skin under his fringe. He suddenly pulled her tightly against him and tensed. She slipped over the edge herself, shuddering again as a low moan left her lips. The last one had been an explosion, but this one was like magma flowing, consuming. The world seemed to dim around them till it was just Garrus and her. This was good.

Shepard sucked in a breath and slowly opened her eyes. She could feel Garrus’ hand slowly rubbing up and down her back as his breath slowed as well. She lifted her head from his neck and met his gaze. They grinned at each other.

“That was…” he started. Then he just let out a long breath and shook his head.

“Agreed.” She laughed a little. “Feels kind of like we’re getting away with some sort of wonderful trick.”

“Yeah.”

“Who knew that the whole time what our friendship was missing was casual sex?” she said, shakily getting off of his lap and dropping down on the bed next to him.

He laughed and stood up, efficiently putting his undersuit back on and gathering his armor up as she watched him sleepily. After he was dressed again, he made a show of opening his omnitool and checking something.

“As I thought,” he turned it towards her. “ _ Much _ longer than twenty minutes.”

“I stand corrected,” she replied, still draped across the bed. “Or… lay corrected.”

He smiled at her and then nodded. “Good night, Shepard.”

“Good night, Garrus,” she called after him as he left her room. Damn, they were clever. They had this whole thing worked out, smooth as butter. And it was So. Good. She cleaned up and then dropped into perhaps the best sleep she’d had in this lifetime. But in the morning, she still woke up freezing.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank the Spirits, Jack was smart enough to not say anything on the shuttle ride back from Horizon. Shepard had been silent since she called for their pick up. But Garrus knew that look on her face. Distant, detached, she was processing through what had just happened. He’d seen that face before on Virmire. She was quiet on that shuttle ride back too.

“Joker,” Shepard finally spoke as they stepped off the shuttle in the bay on the  _ Normandy _ . “Take us to the nearest relay and chart a course for Illium.”

“Aye-aye, Commander,” Joker replied over the intercom.

To anyone else, Shepard would appear calm, collected. Her face was placid as she removed her armor, checking for any damage and cleaning where necessary. But Garrus could see the overcare she gave each movement, how deliberately she didn’t look at either of them. The mask of Commander was firmly in place. Most people couldn’t see it. Garrus wasn’t sure when he started being able to.

Her task complete, Shepard turned and walked rigidly to the elevator.

“So do you want to explain to me who the Alliance Ken doll was down there?” Jack said, once the doors were closed.

“A moron,” Garrus muttered, turning to finish cleaning his own armor. Jack didn’t even have armor so she was only hanging around to be nosy.

“Yeah, no shit.” She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes, trying to read him. 

“Kaidan Alenko. He was on the old crew,” he added, wiping off a bit of collector gut from his chestplate.

“But what was he to Shepard?” Jack continued on with as much tact as a sledgehammer. “They fuck buddies or something? Ex-boyfriend?”

An excellent question, he supposed. It was obvious to everyone how Kaidan hung on every word that came from Shepard’s mouth back on the SR1. They were all a little prone to hero worship, but Kaidan took it to a whole other level. It was a matter of some debate whether Kaidan had actually had the quads to make a move on Shepard and even then whether Shepard would accept. Joker had some dubious claims that it was a yes on both fronts. But for whatever reason, some part of Garrus liked to think Shepard had refused.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

“You don’t know? Or you won’t tell me?”

He looked at her. “A little bit of both, Jack,” he said dryly. Even if he did know one way or another, he wasn’t going to be swapping tawdry details with Jack.

“Asshole.”

“Correct.” He put his armor back on and headed up for the main battery. He set about improving the gun’s targeting algorithm, but even advanced calculus wasn’t quite enough to keep his mind from wandering. 

They’d seen the collectors in action that morning and yet that wasn’t the foremost thing on his mind.  _ You’re with Cerberus? _ Kaidan’s upper lip had curled in disgust and he backed away slowly as if he was suddenly wary of them, of her. Garrus wasn’t even the one he was accusing and he was angry.

He simmered on it for the rest of the day and no one disturbed him till Shepard stopped by at the usual time for her nightly rounds.

“Anything to report?” Shepard asked.

He looked over his shoulder at her. She was standing at a parade rest, the mask still firmly in place. They hadn’t been that formal in a very long time.

“No, just keeping us in fighting shape until we get the Thanix,” he answered, turning to face her.

She nodded. It was more like she was looking past him than at him. 

“Shepard, are you okay?” he asked in a low voice.

“I’m fine.”

He hit a button on the console to shut the doors behind her. Her gaze dropped to his boots.

“I’ll ask again, are you okay?”

She was quiet for a long moment then let out a breath. “What do you want me to say, Garrus?”

He searched her impassive face. “Alenko was  _ wrong _ , you know that, right?” he implored. “He’s an idiot--”

“He’s not.”

“Yes, he is.”

“ _ No _ .” Her eyes flashed. “He’s really not. He’s not an idiot. He’s smart and he’s been around more in the last couple of years than I certainly have.”

“You can’t exactly take the blame for  _ dying _ .”

“Even still.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what Cerberus has done in recent history because either it’s classified by the Alliance or by Cerberus itself--”

“But it doesn’t matter,” he pushed back gently. “You’re not working  _ for _ Cerberus. You’re working with them only because the Alliance and the Council aren’t willing to do anything about the Collectors.” She’d been the one to tell him that herself when he first walked out of the medbay. Did she forget or something?

“Yeah,” she scoffed a bitter laugh and turned partially away. “That’s what we tell ourselves, right? But at the end of the day, I’m still wearing their colors, flying their ship. Hell, I wouldn’t be standing here if it wasn’t for Cerberus.”

“That doesn’t mean they own you,” he insisted. He didn’t like how empty her eyes looked. “You’re still Shepard. That should be good enough for Alenko.”

She leaned back against the closed door and folded her arms. “Not everyone has your level of faith in me. I don’t think even I do most days,” she admitted. Whoa. She must have heard her own words as she suddenly stiffened. “Sorry. I know we’re playing real fast and loose with the chain of command these days, but that wasn’t--” She shook her head. He could practically see the mask reappear as she stood back up.

They used to talk all the time back on the SR1. She’d sit with him as he put the Mako back together and they’d talk for hours. But she’d never let him see her sweat, never showed the cracks in her armor. She was mortal, of course she was. But he’d never had such concrete proof before. She was plagued by the same self-doubt as he was. He probably should have found that worrisome or even frightening, but it was just the opposite. In a way, it felt like an honor.

Garrus dared to step towards her and touch her shoulder. “Kaidan doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And he certainly doesn’t deserve you feeling guilty for doing what’s right,” he said, gently but fervently.

She seemed to at least consider his words for a moment. He didn’t know if she’d reply at all till finally she spoke softly, the mask nowhere in sight. “He took it kind of personally when I turned him down that night before Ilos. I thought we’d moved past it, but I… I don’t know. Maybe we never did.”

“Then he’s an even bigger idiot than I thought,” he replied in the same tone.

Shepard looked up at him and Garrus was struck with the strangest urge. It was almost an echo of that moment before their encounter in the battery. But this time it wasn’t raw desire, just a quiet want to kiss her. To run his fingers through her hair, pull her close and just hold her.

Bewildered, he retracted his hand and the urge evaporated after a moment. Thankfully, it seemed Shepard hadn’t noticed.

“Thanks, Garrus,” she said, sighing a little.

“No problem, Shepard.” 

She smiled a little and it seemed like she was in a better mood than when she’d arrived. She nodded and left the battery.

He turned back to the console but it already felt like a lost cause. Too much had just happened to focus on math right now. The real Shepard, the one with doubts and flaws and failings, wasn’t something that he ever thought he’d see. He’d caught just a glimpse of her. He wondered if he’d ever see her again. A deep selfish part of him hoped desperately he would. Till then, he’d believe in her enough for the both of them.


	5. Chapter 5

“Just how many more squad members are you planning on picking up?” Garrus asked, picking up a weight from the rack. “Ship’s starting to get a little crowded.” 

Shepard grinned and waited till she finished her pull up to answer. “Thought I’d go for an even eleven, how’s that sound?”

“If you add any more beyond that, we’ll have to start strapping them to the hull,” he replied. “Hope they don’t require oxygen.”

As they'd made their way around the galaxy, picking more and more crew members, Shepard had turned half of the shuttle bay into an impromptu work out space. It was a useful way to stay sharp between missions, especially on this rather lengthy journey from Illium to Haestrom.

“You don’t like our new friends?” she asked sarcastically.

“I didn’t say that.” He waved his free hand. “Though I don’t know how anyone feels safe while on board with an assassin,” Garrus half-muttered.

As if he was summoned, Thane walked off the elevator into the shuttle bay. Usually, he rarely ever left his space in Life Support. Though really hardly anyone left their assigned rooms unless Shepard took them somewhere. That seemed terribly boring to her.

“Hello Thane,” she said, dropping to her feet and stretching her muscles. 

“Commander Shepard,” he replied, nodding his head to her and then Garrus a little ways off.

“What brings you down here?”

“Yeoman Chambers informed me that a training room had been set up here in the bay.” His large dark eyes took in the space behind her.

She stepped to the side to admire the set up with him. “Yes, we have various anaerobic and aerobic methods. And even a sparring ring, Garrus’ idea.”

“It’s a useful training tool,” Garrus retorted, switching the arm he was lifting with the weight.

“Would you like to spar, Commander?” Thane asked.

She looked over at him with wide eyes. “You want to spar with me?”

He nodded once. “Your close quarters combat skills were impressive in the Dantius towers. I wish to see them up close.”

Thane was a deceptive persona. He wasn’t much taller than she was with a lithe build and wide dark eyes that looked like you could drown in them. But she’d seen him flow like water to effortlessly kill four people right in front of her. Shepard was… intrigued.

“Alright.”

They headed over towards the mats that had been set up.

“Commander Shepard versus a drell assassin, now this will be interesting,” Garrus said, putting his weight down and finding a spot to watch.

They stood at opposite sides of the sparring mat. Thane nodded his head again and Shepard did the same. Then they both took ready stances. She observed him carefully, trying to perceive when he was going to move before he actually did. He subtly shifted his weight to his right foot and then jumped towards her. She sidestepped his jab and swung out to strike at his ribs, but he spun away from her.

It continued like that for a few minutes. He was clever and heart-stoppingly fast. More than once she wasn’t quick enough to dodge. She could tell he still wasn’t giving his all, but then neither was she.

Somehow he ducked behind her and got a hold around her neck.

“You’re holding back,  _ Commander _ ,” he accused in a low tone with that gravelly voice of his. It seemed to rattle around in her chest.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said through gritted teeth. She tried to find the way out of his hold.

He chuckled. “You won’t hurt me. Show me your strength.” And he released her with a sharp punch to her ribs. Strangely breathless, she rolled back to her feet and didn’t hesitate, just launched herself back at him full force. She barrelled him over and got in several solid blows before he recovered.

The fight began anew. Stronger, faster, more furious this time. Her blood pounded in her ears. No time to think, she leaned on gut instinct alone. Quickly learning to read his tells and follow him in this strange dance. Waiting till she saw an opening and she took it, knocking him solidly off his feet. He landed flat on the mat below her and let out a low cough as the wind was knocked out of him.

He stared up at her for a moment, his dark eyes somehow even wider than before. She didn’t wait for him to yield, just smiled and held out her hand towards him. A small smile ghosted across his face and then he took it to stand up.

“Good game,” she said, still breathing heavily.

“Indeed.” He was looking at her thoughtfully. “You’re a fierce warrior, Shepard. And a formidable opponent.”

She smiled. That really meant something coming from someone like him. “You too, Thane. Got in a couple good hits there.” She’d be feeling the one to her ribs in the morning. But she didn’t care one bit.

He smiled back. “If you need me, you know where I’ll be.” And then he nodded to her and walked back towards the elevator. 

She watched him walk away. Sex on Two Legs was how Kelly had described Thane when he first came on board. Objectively, she could see where Kelly was coming from, but personally... Normally, someone like Thane would absolutely be Shepard's type. Rugged voice, little bit dangerous, able to keep her on her toes. But strangely, she didn't think much at all of him. He was nice to be sure and she was glad he was here. But somehow he didn't turn her heard the way she expected him to. Maybe it was just another side effect of coming back from the dead. 

“Makes you almost feel sorry for the Collectors, doesn’t it?” Garrus said, drawing her attention away from the retreating form of Thane.

“Hu--how do you mean?” she managed.

“When we have the likes of him and you on our team, they don’t stand a chance.”

She laughed a little. “Oh yeah. Snowball’s chance in hell.” She cast one last glance at the elevator.

Garrus cleared his throat a little and stepped closer to her. “You know, we could always spar if you wanted.”

She looked up at him. “We could. Though I don’t know if I have it really in me right now.”

“What about a different kind of sparring?” he asked in a lower register.

She checked that they were indeed alone and then smirked at him. “Ah, I see. Well, in that case I could be persuaded to go for another round.” She started walking towards the elevator. “You want to stop by later?”

He met up with her and they waited for the elevator together. “I could also just come by now,” he said, attempting to sound nonchalant. But she knew him too well for that.

“You could, if it’s no trouble.”

“No trouble at all. It’s on my way.”

She laughed and he grinned down at her.

They waited till the doors opened to reveal an empty elevator. Then suddenly she was pressed against the back wall by Garrus and the doors slid shut behind them.


	6. Chapter 6

Garrus followed Shepard as she ran like a bat out of hell up the gangway from the CIC to the flight deck.

“Get us the  _ HELL _ Out Of Here, EDI!” Joker ordered, typing madly on his display. Shepard checked over her shoulder as if she could see the Collector ship behind them. Her heart rate was going a mile a minute on Garrus’ visor read out.

“Specify a destination, Mr. Moreau,” EDI replied. The ship shook as the Collector beam barely grazed their hull. Shepard grabbed the back of Joker’s seat for stability while Garrus braced on a bulkhead.

“Anywhere that’s not here!” Joker cried.

“Very well. Engaging mass effect core.”

Garrus felt the telltale drop in his stomach as the  _ Normandy _ jumped to FTL and safety away from the Collector ship. There was a tense moment before EDI spoke again.

“FTL jump successful. Area clear.”

Joker relaxed and sat back in his seat. “Holy shit,” he said, laughing a little. “Talk about close shaves.”

Shepard didn’t reply or move. Her heart rate hadn’t slowed one bit and she was still gripping tightly to the back of Joker’s chair.

“Not gonna lie, for a minute there I thought they had us again. Definitely some  _ déjà vu _ . But we sure showed--”

“Joker, shut up,” Garrus said, his eyes locked on Shepard.

“Commander, shall I alert the medical bay?” EDI asked.

There was a long pause, but then Shepard wrenched her hands off of Joker’s chair and jerked her head side to side.

“I’m. Fine.” Her clipped voice came over the com. With her helmet still on, it was difficult to see her expression. Her hands wrapped so tightly into fists he could hear her armor creak and she turned to leave the flight deck. Garrus watched her go, her suit still synced with his. Her heart rate slowed marginally by the time she reached the elevator and then was out of range.

“Shit,” Joker muttered. “I--shit.”

Garrus looked back at him. To Joker’s credit, he seemed distressed and regretful.

“Joker, the next time we run into the Collector ship, do us all a favor and don’t talk about how we almost died,” Garrus said in a stern tone.

Joker nodded. “Yeah. I… forgot,” he finished weakly.

“She didn’t.” And he turned and headed for the elevator. He went straight up to the loft, not even caring about the optics of such a move. He didn’t know what, if anything, he could do for Shepard right now. But he had to offer.

He stepped into the room and looked around for her. She was sitting on the foot of the bed, still in her full suit, with her hands on either side of her head. He put his helmet on her desk, making sure to make some noise so she knew she wasn’t alone. But she didn’t respond or move. So he slowly went and knelt in front of her, trying to catch her gaze. She wouldn’t or perhaps couldn’t look at him. Her eyes were wide and boring a hole into the floor.

“You should… you don’t have to be here,” she finally said, her voice clipped as if each word was individually selected and interpreted.

“I know.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “If you want to be alone right now, that’s fine. Just say ‘go’ and I’ll go.”

Slowly, she shook her head.

“Okay,” he said. He checked her over for a second. She appeared uninjured but was as tense as a drawn bowstring. “Do you want to take your helmet off?”

She nodded.

“Okay,” he repeated. Moving cautiously, he found the buttons to release the seals on the sides and he carefully pulled it off of her. She swallowed a deep breath as he put it down next to her feet. “Better?”

She moved her head noncommittally and continued taking slow, purposeful breaths. All the color had gone out of her face, leaving her skin more pale than usual with each freckle sharply contrasted. 

She frowned and squeezed her eyes shut. “Dammit,” she muttered, her hands clenching into fists. He took one of her hands in his and she grabbed it tightly. She was shaking slightly. “I feel… ridiculous.”

“You’re not ridiculous.”

“I don’t see Joker unable to breathe like a normal person,” she said, sounding very bitter but more fluid.

“Joker didn’t die.”

Her eyes lifted to look at him finally. Talking to her seemed to be working. So he squeezed her hand in his and kept talking.

“You can’t do what we do without seeing something, or experiencing something that changes you irrevocably. I… I get it. I’m the same way,” he said in a low steady tone. 

He hadn’t told anyone yet what he was preparing to tell her. But he’d gotten a glimpse of the real Shepard after Horizon. He wanted her to see the real Garrus, or what was left of him. 

“Omega’s the reason why I don’t feel safe anymore. I lived there almost two years and it became second nature to always be looking over my shoulder, to be reticent to trust new people. And even then, I wasn’t alert enough to know… I got my team killed. Came back to headquarters and they were all dead, because I didn’t see what was happening with my own people. Because I wasn’t paranoid enough.”

Shepard’s breathing had slowed to a normal pace and she didn’t even seem to be doing it consciously anymore.

“I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel sorry, just… I understand, Shepard. We all have damage. We all have ghosts. You just ran into one of yours today.”

She looked at him for a long moment then dropped her head to the edge of his cowl. “It sounded just like I remembered,” she whispered. 

He rested his hand at the base of her head. “How much do you remember?”

“All of it.”

His stomach dropped. Reactively, he pulled her closer till their armor clacked against each other. 

“It makes it hard to sleep sometimes… I hate that skylight.” She shook her head a little then lifted it. Their faces were very close together now. Her eyes were so green, how had he never noticed that before? Then unexpectedly, she tilted her head forward and pressed her forehead against his. He was surprised, maybe even shocked, for a moment. But then he relaxed into it, his eyes drifting shut.

For a moment, he just revelled in how close he felt with her right now. It was a little backwards, perhaps, to feel that this was more intimate than other activities he had engaged in with Shepard. But that was just about the release, blowing off steam. This was… This was--what was this? What was she doing? What was he doing? More importantly,  _ why _ ?

His eyes opened and found that she was looking at him. 

“Will you stay? For a little while?” she asked quietly.

“Yes,” he replied, instantly. His questions still hovered in the back of his mind. He didn’t know the answers, but he knew what he wanted in this moment.

She let go of his hand then to pull off her gauntlets. He helped her take off the rest of her armor till she was left in her undersuit. Then she did the same for him. In wordless agreement they crawled into her bed. He shoved his questions firmly aside and pulled her close to him, quickly finding the comfortable fit in his arms. She pressed closer still, tucking her face between his cowl and his neck. He could feel her warm breaths glide over his skin. After a few minutes, he let himself run his fingers through her hair and she relaxed some more.

This was nice… whatever this was. She was soft and solid in his arms, the wonderful floral scent of her hair surrounded him. It was soothing to just be with her like this. That Collector ship was enough to give anyone nightmares. But somehow it felt like they couldn’t reach him here with her. They were secure here, fortified, safe. Maybe this was just the other side of the coin of blowing off steam, he thought as his eyes drifted shut again. A balm instead of a release.

Garrus didn’t realize that he had fallen asleep till he woke up several hours later. At first he couldn’t quite put together where he was. The battery wasn’t usually this blue, but then he realized it was the glow from Shepard’s fish tank.  _ Then _ he realized that he had slept with Shepard in the most literal sense. Again. And he had broken rule number one--no staying over in her cabin.

She was on her side, facing away from him, and he was curled around her, his arms wrapped across her middle. How they’d even found this position, he wasn’t quite sure, but they did fit together quite nicely like this--no. This was bad. This broke the rules. Though if he was honest, right now he couldn’t quite remember why the rules were so important. What was so bad about this kind of sleeping with Shepard again? 

She stirred a little in her sleep, taking a deeper breath and then scooting back so her back was against his keel again. He felt his heart squeeze in response and there was his answer. This could change things between them. And they didn’t want that. He didn’t want that. She was too important to him to lose over this. 

So as badly as he wanted to just nuzzle his face back into her hair and drift off to sleep again, he didn’t. He slowly extracted himself from around her, careful to not wake her. The whole process took several minutes but he was successful. He hoped this was the right thing to do as he gathered up his armor and headed for the elevator. He didn’t bother putting it back on, he was heading straight for the battery anyway and it was the dead middle of the night cycle. 

The cold light of the elevator cut through any lingering doubt he had. Yes, this was the right choice. As nice as it would have been to stay, they were both better off this way. Confident, he came around the corner and froze. The crew deck was mostly deserted, except for one asari sitting at the large table in the center of the space. 

Samara fixed him with an unreadable look. “Hello Garrus,” she said calmly.

Busted.


	7. Chapter 7

Shore leave was a good idea, Shepard decided as she walked through the Zakera Wards with Grunt. They’d been going nonstop for months now, running all over the galaxy. And now they all knew they had an axe hanging over their heads. Even just two days would make a difference. Give some time for the crew to catch their breath. 

She had meant to set out alone, but Grunt had found her not too long into her walk. And damn it all, if Shepard didn’t like him a little bit. She always appreciated krogan for their forthrightness. Grunt took it to a whole new level. Plus he’d done so well on Tuchanka, she was kind of proud of him in a very strange almost maternal way. Luckily or perhaps unluckily, he wasn’t much for conversation so her mind still had plenty of time to wander. Time to sort out just what in the world was happening with Garrus.

The circumstances were rather extraordinary, but that didn’t change the fact that she had definitely broken one of their rules that night after the Collector ship. And even worse, the only thing she really regretted was waking up alone. Thank god Garrus had his head on straight and could uphold their agreement. But what was going on with her? Why was she feeling like this? The rules were set up specifically so feelings wouldn’t become complicated, or really be involved at all.

It was her fault, she knew it. Casual sex aside, she hadn’t been treating Garrus like a member of her crew. Twice now he’d talked her off the ledge so to speak. As nice as it was to be so honest with him, to be ...vulnerable with him, it had to stop. She’d steer them out of dangerous territory they’d drifted into and back to the calm waters of their previous set up. It was for the best.

She’d very nearly convinced herself of the feasibility of her plan when a trilling laugh seemed to cut across the wide boulevard. Shepard stopped and looked towards the sound. She found Garrus with an auburn haired woman standing very close to him. She was the one who was laughing. Shepard’s eyebrows jumped up as the woman dared to put a hand on Garrus arm and smile widely up at him.

“Who is that?” Grunt asked, still beside her.

“Uh… I’m not sure,” she replied. She should go. Commander Shepard was no voyeur. 

But then Garrus happened to glance their way and he waved the two of them over. She shouldn’t do this, Shepard thought, as she walked towards them anyway.

“Shepard,” Garrus said. “Do you remember Dr. Michel?” He gestured to the woman who smiled just a moment too late to be truly friendly.

“From Fist’s clinic, right.” Shepard held out her hand and gripped Dr. Michel’s maybe a little tighter than she needed to. “Nice to see you again, Dr. Michel.”

“Oh, Commander,” she said in a fluid accent. French, of course she was French. “So formal. Chloe, please.”

“Shepard then.”

“And this is Grunt,” Garrus introduced. “He’s on Shepard’s squad as well.”

Grunt didn’t reply as Dr. Michel nodded to him. If anything, his eyes narrowed a little. Shepard always knew she liked him for a reason.

“It’s been so long since I’ve seen either of you,” Dr. Michel said. “But then I saw Garrus here walking about the wards. And I said to myself, ‘Ah. I know that turian.” Turian came out sounding more like ‘turienne’. Of course it did. 

“Though you seem to have hurt yourself,” she tutted, turning back to Garrus. “I could always take a look at it if you’d like.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Garrus assured her. “Chakwas has my recovery well in hand.”

As far as Shepard could tell, Garrus wasn’t picking up her less than subtle flirtation. It was a small measure of comfort. 

“You know I never did get a chance to truly thank you for saving my life that day,” she continued, undaunted and still looking at him. “There’s a wonderful little levo-dextro cafe not too far from here. I’d love to buy you lunch.”

That Garrus picked up on. His posture suddenly became immaculate. “Ah…” His eyes slid over to Shepard. After a moment, Dr. Michel turned to look at her as well. She seemed to have forgotten that there were other people here besides Garrus.

“You are welcome as well… Shepard… and Grunt,” she said, though her eyes made it very clear that they were not.

Part of Shepard wanted to accept the invitation anyway. She could only imagine the joy she could find in being the rain on Dr. Michel’s parade. And without Shepard present, who knew what this French doctor could accomplish in a simple lunch date. She was unfortunately pretty with the delicate bone structure that so many men found attractive and could say things like ‘ _ Tu es magnifique au clair de lune _ ’ with a straight face . They could be engaged before dessert! The nerve of this woman coming in and flirting with Garrus like some sort of brazen--

Oh shit. 

Shepard was dangerously close to breaking rule number three. Their arrangement didn’t preclude any other sort of romantic entanglement. She had no right to try and ruin this date for Garrus… as much as she wanted to for some reason.

“No,” Shepard made herself say. “I… can’t. I have to…” Shit, think faster Shepard! She looked around for a second. “I’m getting Grunt new armor.” Grunt looked confused, probably because they were doing no such thing. “To, ah, celebrate… after his rite.”

“Oh, such a shame,” Dr. Michel said, sounding not one bit disappointed.

“Couldn’t you be a little late?” Garrus interjected, a strange edge to his voice.

Dr. Michel and Shepard both turned to look at him. Why was he doing this? He looked oddly desperate, though probably no one but Shepard would be able to tell. 

“It’s a very popular place, I’m afraid we may have to wait a while for a table,” Dr. Michel said to Shepard. “You might miss your appointment.”

“Ah, see? We can’t be late…” Shepard shook her head. 

“Oh,  _ Grunt _ ’s armor? That’s where you’re going?” Garrus pushed forward, his eyes looked a little wild. “I completely forgot--Dr. Michel, I’m so sorry. I’m afraid I can’t, Grunt said he wanted me to come to the fitting as well.”

Dr. Michel frowned and then all three of them looked to Grunt. There was a bit of a pause before Grunt realized that they were all waiting for him to corroborate their stories. 

“Yes. I wanted the turian to come to my armor fitting,” Grunt said stiltedly. Shepard and Garrus both stiffened, she wasn’t going to buy that.

But thankfully, Dr. Michel looked disappointed anyway. “Oh, I see. Perhaps another time then, yes?” She looked up at Garrus.

“Ah… sure,” he managed. He bobbed his head in a nod and turned quickly to go.

“It was lovely to see you again,” she called after them as the three of them retreated. Garrus smiled to her and it immediately disappeared when he turned around. The three of them were silent till they turned a corner out of sight.

“Sorry to almost drag you into that,” Garrus said to Shepard in a low voice.

“Yeah, why did you by the way? That was weird,” she replied.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just… really didn’t want to have lunch with her.” Garrus shook his head. That small nasty part of Shepard was suddenly delighted.  _ P _ _ rend ça _ , Chloe. 

“Why not?” Grunt asked. Right, he was still here.

Garrus’ mandibles fluttered back and forth for a second. “Ah… just… didn’t… want to.”

The three of them were silent for a moment.

“You two are being strange,” Grunt said finally, looking accusingly between the two of them. “Like you’re hiding something.”

Shepard bit down on her back teeth and hoped that her face hadn’t turned a guilty crimson. “Of course not, Grunt. There’s nothing to hide,” she said, doing a pretty good job of sounding casual.

“Exactly,” Garrus backed her up.

Grunt looked between the two of them for another moment and sniffed pointedly. Then he chuckled and smiled knowingly. “When are we getting my armor, battlemaster?”

Shepard suppressed a sigh. So there was a price to keep Grunt out of this. In a way, she had to respect that. “Right now.”

Grunt’s smile changed to one of joy and he started jogging away towards the armor shop. “You’re coming too, turian. Have to have someone to test it out on.”


	8. Chapter 8

Garrus had done he’s very best to give Samara a wide margin since running into her that night after the Collector ship. He’d been successful too, until Shepard chose the two of them to go on a ground mission in Omega. As if Omega itself wasn’t enough to set his plates on edge, nothing about the mission was as it should be. He and Samara weren’t one of Shepard’s usual pairs. Garrus wasn’t allowed to bring any weapon he couldn’t conceal. Then Shepard stepped onto the shuttle dressed not in her armor, but a black leather dress that accentuated e-ver-y curve she possessed. His mandibles about fell off his face. And  _ then _ he found out precisely what was going to happen on this mission. Namely Shepard doing her very best to draw out an Ardat-Yakshi using only her wits and feminine wiles. 

Samara coached Shepard through what she needed her to do and then Shepard went off into the club, alone and unarmed.

“I don’t like this,” Garrus grumbled, settling back into the alcove he and Samara were to wait in. They’d decided it was even too risky for him to be inside.

Samara glanced at him. “The only way out of Afterlife is through those doors, they will walk right by us.”

“And until then we might as well be dangling her over a pit of hungry varren,” he muttered.

“I would not risk Shepard’s well being if it was anything less than the utmost importance. And even still, Shepard is strong. I do not anticipate her struggling to… resist temptation.”

He wished he could be so sure. Not that he doubted Shepard. This whole mission made him very uncomfortable. Perhaps because he was largely useless here. If everything went to plan, he wouldn’t do anything at all. And he hated that. Almost as much as he hated not being on Shepard’s six when there was danger afoot.

“Garrus, may I ask you a personal question?” Samara said after a few minutes had passed.

He looked over at her, a little afraid of what she could possibly want to know. “I guess,” he replied.

“Are you and Shepard a couple?” 

Yep, this was exactly what he was afraid of. “No, definitely not.”

“But you are having sex with her?” Her voice was uncomfortably calm and without a trace of ulterior meanings.

“What would make you think that?” he replied very carefully. She didn’t say anything for a moment and he hoped that maybe this was the end of the conversation. How wrong he was.

“If a dedicated soldier, such as yourself, steps off the elevator in the middle of the night carrying his still uncleaned armor, he must have been with someone important enough to otherwise occupy his attention,” she said in that same tone. “It is very obvious that Shepard is the only one on the ship who could possibly fill that role for you.”

“That’s all very circumstantial--”

“Garrus, I am over seven hundred years old.” She gave him a very flat look. “I am not naive.”

Damn. She had him dead to rights. Rule two was well and truly broken now. He shifted his jaw a few times as he tried to figure out what to do next.

“Yes,” he finally said. He sighed. “Just… please don’t tell anyone, especially Shepard. We agreed to keep this just between us.”

At that she frowned and was quiet for another few minutes. However, he suspected that this was not going to be the end of the discussion. And it wasn’t.

“Is there something about Shepard that you find personally objectionable?” she asked.

He looked over at her in alarm. “No. Of course not--no.” Why would she think that?

“Is there something that Shepard finds personally objectionable about you?”

He reeled a little. What kind of question was that? “I don’t… I don’t know… No? If there was, she’d probably have told me by now.”

“So you have no objections ostensibly, you are sexually compatible, and you are, by your own admissions, each other’s best friend.” She looked at him confusedly. “Why would you not simply be in a formal romantic relationship with each other? Your current arrangement seems… unnecessarily complicated.”

Well, when she put it that way… “It’s not. It’s not as easy as all that and it’s not as complicated as it seems. This way… works.”

“Does it?” she pushed back.

“Y-yes.” He grappled around for a reason why he wasn’t dating Shepard that stood up outside of her parameters. “We’re… busy. Shepard certainly has enough things vying for her attention without trying to make a romantic relationship with me a priority.”

“Did you ask her if she was too busy? Or did you decide for her?”

He gaped at in her lieu of answering. She turned back towards the street. Patrons walked in and out of the bar. But none of them Shepard.

Truthfully, he never gave much thought to having a serious romantic relationship with Shepard. The idea just seemed so far fetched that there was no point wasting time thinking about it. But that was before he was sleeping with her. Even so, it still seemed laughably impossible. Why would Shepard want to be with him?

“I admire you, Garrus,” Samara said, calmly watching the door. “It is clear that you have endured many hardships, but you still have honor. That is more rare than you may think.” She glanced at him and gave him a small yet warm smile. “And it is because I admire you that I would like to offer you some advice. Not everyone will share your caution. It would be a shame for you to miss your chance simply because you waited too long.”

He’d just started to process through what she’d said when the doors to Afterlife opened again and out walked Shepard in the arms of an asari.

“That is Morinth,” Samara said, stepping further back in the alcove. Garrus pretended to be looking at his omnitool, but he could hardly pull his eyes away from the sight.

Morinth had her arm possessively around Shepard’s waist and seemed to be whispering something in her ear. Shepard smiled and looked a little flushed at whatever she was hearing. Morinth reached over and pulled Shepard’s chin towards her for a kiss. But Shepard turned away at the last second, which just served to make Morinth gaze at her hungrily. It felt like a bonfire had suddenly caught flame in Garrus’ chest, roaring consuming--spirits. Since when was he jealous for Shepard? 

Samara and Garrus waited till they were almost out of sight before pursuing them at a safe distance. Morinth led Shepard to an apartment in the nicer wards of Omega, if you could call it that. The door slid shut behind Shepard and Morinth. Garrus’ stomach clenched.

“Is Shepard okay?” Garrus asked Samara.

“If we act quickly, yes. She will be.” She rushed towards the front door of the apartment, and started to hack it open. “Do not enter unless you hear gunshots.”

He started to protest, but her expression made him stop. She went inside and the next sixty seconds seemed to take an eternity. Then there were several loud crashes. It wasn’t exactly gunfire, but Garrus decided it was close enough.

He ran into the apartment just as Samara was closing in on Morinth, who was trying to scramble away. She grabbed her by the neck.

“Find peace in the embrace of the Goddess,” Samara said, beginning to glow with her biotics.

Shepard was standing off to the side watching the scene with a strange expression, like she didn’t quite believe what she was seeing. 

He went to her side. “Shepard? Are you okay?” he asked quietly, touching her elbow. 

She turned to look at him, her pupils were blown so wide it was like her eyes weren’t green anymore. A slow smile spread across her face. “Hey,” she purred and then slid her hands up his chest to wrap around his neck. Quickly, she pulled him down for a passionate kiss. Whoa. He tried to pull back from her; she just closed the distance again. He stood up out of her reach and helplessly looked to Samara, but she was still kneeling over Morinth’s body almost as if she was mourning. If she was, she probably wanted to be alone for that. 

He took Shepard by the hand and led her out of the apartment. She followed willingly, but kept running her free hand up and down the inside of his arm. 

“Where are we going?” she asked in a low throaty tone he’d only heard a few times before from her. And always in a  _ very _ specific context.

“We’re giving Samara space.” He took up a post just outside the front door. Which was a mistake as Shepard was more easily able to plaster herself to him. She set about pressing soft kisses along the base of neck as it was the only part of his exposed skin she could reach. It was still embarrassingly effective. “Shepard, stop,” he said, forcefully keeping his subvocals under control.

She hummed frustratedly and rested her head on the front of his keel. He almost let out a breath of relief when he felt her start stroking his waist. He grabbed her wrists and pulled them away from him.

Thankfully, the door opened then and Samara stepped out. She surveyed the two of them with a very placid expression.

“Thank you for your help, Shepard,” Samara said. Shepard turned to look at her. She seemed to be trying to concentrate despite her state, but it was a losing battle. Samara turned her gaze to Garrus who was still holding Shepard’s wrists. “I am afraid she fell more under Morinth’s influence than we planned.” 

“How long will she be like this?” he asked as Shepard attempted to squirm her wrists out of his grasp.

“No more than an hour.” 

Garrus groaned inwardly. “Is there anything we can do to speed up that process?”

Samara paused for a long moment and just looked at him with her eyebrows raised. Oh. “Though Shepard is not in full possession of her faculties at the moment,” she amended.

He looked down at Shepard who was resting her chin on his keel and giving him the very best bedroom eyes she possibly could. She licked her lips and he looked away, mentally upbraiding himself for finding that hopelessly attractive.

“I must take care of Morinth’s body,” Samara said, drawing his attention away from the ceiling of the hallway. “Will you be alright with her?”

“Yes. We’ll find a bench somewhere and wait this out. I don’t think she’d want anyone on the  _ Normandy _ to see her like this.” He accidentally glanced down at Shepard. She was affectionately running her cheek along the edge of his cowl.

“Very well. Thank you, Garrus.” She turned to go back inside then stopped. “She will be persuasive, but know that whatever she tells you like this is always a twisted version of the truth.”

Garrus nodded and Samara went back in to the apartment. 

He looked down at Shepard and sighed. “Come on.”

“Your place or mine?” Shepard asked, smiling a little as he led her down the street.

“Neither.”

“Didn’t know you were an exhibitionist, but I’m game.”

“I’m pretty sure you’d say yes to anything right now.”

“I’ll always say yes to you.” She squeezed his hand.

He found a bench along a wall in a quiet ward and sat down on it. She moved to try to sit on his lap, but he pushed her off to sit next to him instead. Undaunted, she wound her arm around his and took his hand in both of hers. She pulled off the gauntlet and examined his hand with so much care that he almost forgot she wasn’t herself for a moment. Till she glanced at him and he could see her wide pupils again.

“This is nice,” she sighed, dropping her head to rest on his shoulder. “This feels good.”

“It does?” he asked, glancing at her. 

She nodded. “I feel… awake. Alive. So often I’m just… numb. Like nothing matters anymore.” She said it so matter of factly, like she was discussing the weather.

_ Twisted version of the truth _ , he reminded himself. This wasn’t actually Shepard. She didn’t actually feel like this… hopefully. No, definitely. He would have noticed otherwise.

She looked at him for a moment, then shifted away from him, dropping his hand. Maybe she was coming out of it, he hoped. She leaned back to rest on the wall behind them, her eyes staring off into the distance.

“I never told you what Liara found in the Shadow Broker’s files,” she said, in the same tone as before. “He had dossiers on the whole team. Grunt’s purchases, Jack’s extranet history.”

“I bet that was terrifying,” he commented, hoping to forstall where she was obviously going. 

“Wasn’t as bad as you’d think,” she replied. “She was curious about how I died.”

He decided it was best to just confront it head on, hopefully take some of the wind out of her sails. “What was in mine?”

“A conversation with your sister,” she said blithely. “Archangel’s kill list, visor specs.”

He relaxed a little. That wasn’t nearly as bad as it could be, he thought. Though the conversation with Sol probably wasn’t great. Shepard wasn’t done however.

“He also said that you were being squandered on my team.” She still stared off into the distance. “But I already knew that.”

Garrus turned to look at her more, frowning. “What?”

“I knew your potential from the moment I met you,” she continued, not looking at him. “You were so adamant about joining my investigation; you had such passion, conviction. I thought to myself, ‘this man’s going to rattle the stars’. And I was right.” Her eyes dropped to her lap. “The only reason Archangel wasn’t successful was because you were betrayed. If no one had stopped you, Omega would be a completely different station right now. I’m absolutely certain of that.” She breathed a humorless laugh. “That’s Commander Shepard’s dirty little secret. I know that I need you far more than you need me. Maybe once this is done, I’ll have put myself back together enough that I can… let you go finally.”

Garrus stared at her for a moment, twisted truth long forgotten. “Shepard,” he breathed. “That’s… that’s not true. None of that is true.”

“It is.” Finally she looked towards him, her face cast in shadow. “You know it as well as I do.” 

“Shepard, the only reason why I am the way I am is because I met you. Archangel wouldn’t have existed if I’d never joined your squad. I would have had no clue how to organize and bond a team if I hadn’t seen you do it on the SR1. I needed  _ you _ . ...I still need you. You have no clue how lost I was for those two years you were dead.” He shook his head and looked back to her. “When I heard that you had died… it was like someone blasted a hole straight through my carapace and it never healed. I tried to pretend it was just that I lost my best friend, but that… wasn’t the truth…” He cupped her jaw and leaned towards her, their breaths intermingling. “You are… so much more to me than just my commander, just my friend,” he admitted, half to her and half to himself, as his forehead brushed hers.

“Garrus,” she whispered, her hand coming up to cover his. She tilted her head and gave him a soft lingering kiss. His heart hiccuped at that small gesture. He wanted her, not just as friends, not just casually, not just for release. He wanted to be with her truly and fully. He wanted to be  _ hers,  _ and hers alone.

He leaned towards her when she suddenly stiffened and inhaled sharply. Her eyes squeezed shut and she groaned softly.

“Shepard?” he asked as she dropped her head onto his chest. When she didn’t answer right away, he felt a wave of fear wash over him.

She lifted her head after a moment, still frowning and blinking purposefully, and looked around. “Garr…? Whe… where are we? Where’s Morinth?”

When she looked back to him, he could just barely make out that her pupils had returned to a normal size. It was only then that he realized what had happened. Spirits, she had gotten him. She had him thoroughly, completely, hook line and sinker. The only reason he wasn’t making a very big mistake right now was because Morinth’s influence had worn off in time.

“What do you remember last?” he asked her, searching her face to discern the truth.

“Morinth was… taking me back to her apartment…” She frowned more and rubbed her forehead. “I think… Samara showed up? It’s all really fuzzy, like a… a dream. God, my head is killing me…” She looked over at him, her brows drawing together slowly. “Did I… try to kiss you?”

“Yes,” he said, his gut churning. “A couple times.”

Her face fell. “Oh my god. Garrus, I’m so sorry. Shit.”

“Do you remember anything else?” he dared to ask.

She thought for a moment, then shook her head. “No…” 

Shepard’s twisted version of the truth had finally wrung out of him what had been building up since that moment they first woke up in bed together… well, actually since the moment he first saw her in the council chambers. And she didn’t remember any of it. He couldn’t decide if this was a favor from the universe, or just another in a long line of punishments. 

“God, this is mortifying. I am  _ so _ , so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he assured her. Because it really was. She didn’t know she was tricking him and if it was anyone’s, it was his own fault for falling for it so thoroughly. 

“I owe you… a million drinks for this.” She shook her head and offered him an apologetic smile. He gave her one in return.

“Put it on my tab.”


	9. Chapter 9

Though she had just finished standing directly in the sight lines of the best sniper she knew, Shepard could feel the real battle still approaching. She watched the retreating figure of Sidonis disappear around a corner and her gut wrenched. A not insignificant part of her wanted to run after him and finish the job she’d just stopped Garrus from doing. But she turned and headed back to the skycar, Miranda following behind her.

The comm was deadly silent.

“Well,” Miranda began. “I think you did--”

“Miranda, please just stay out of this,” Shepard said as gently as she could. Even still Miranda looked very put out as she sat in the backseat. This battle was going to be tough enough without Miranda weighing in.

Garrus was waiting near where they’d dropped him off. He got in without a word and without looking at her, Shepard noticed. She could feel the anger and the frustration boiling off of him as they drove back to the  _ Normandy _ . Garrus was out the door practically before she’d landed the skycar and he stormed for the airlock. She had to hustle to keep pace with him; he wasn’t getting away without talking about this. No, sir.

Garrus blew through the crew deck where dinner was in full swing, though all conversation immediately stopped as he cut through with Shepard hot on his trail.

“Uh oh, Mom and Dad are fighting,” Joker commented, not quiet enough for Shepard to miss it. She gave him a furious glance and he quickly looked back down at his plate.

Garrus made it to the battery before she did, the door shutting immediately behind him and locking. Shepard paused, aware that most of the crew was staring at the back of her head. Her actions right now would speak volumes both to them and to Garrus. So instead of overriding the lock, she requested entrance. After a prolonged moment, the lock turned yellow and she stepped inside. The door shut behind her. Time for the battle to begin.

Garrus was pacing back and forth across the entire open space of the battery, resolutely not looking at her.

“I know you want to talk about this right now, but I really do not,” he said, glancing her way and still moving.

“I understand.”

And they were silent for several minutes. She just let him pace back and forth. She’d wait for hours if need be, but she wasn’t leaving without at least a little discussion. Despite what he said, she could see him winding up for some sort of pitch.

“You should have let me shoot him.” He shook his head and finally stopped pacing for a moment. “You--you let Kasumi blow up an entire mansion. Samara killed that Ardat-Yakshi. Why is it that when  _ I _ want to do something morally dubious suddenly it’s unacceptable?” he snapped.

“I didn’t let Mordin kill his protege. Nor Miranda her old friend,” she pointed out calmly.

He growled and went back to pacing. “Sidonis deserved to die. He deserved to have his blood and brains splattered over the pavement. He  _ betrayed _ me. My men are dead because of  _ him _ .”

“I know.”

“I thought you had my back, Shepard.”

That stung. He’d hit on what she feared most about the ramifications of her choice to deny him his revenge. Always did have good aim. “I do.”

“Then why the hell were you down there trying to save his life?” he demanded.

“I wasn’t saving his life.” She met his gaze, trying to keep her face neutral and calm. “I was saving  _ yours _ .”

The words hovered in the air for a moment and stopped his pacing at least momentarily. But it gave her an opening to explain herself.

“All of us tread the very thin line between justice and vengeance every single day. Sometimes it is very hard to see that line, I understand that. But you being Sidonis’ judge, jury, and executioner is crossing the line. And you know that, Garrus.”

He scoffed and went back to pacing. “He deserves to suffer.”

“He is suffering.” Shepard was reminded of the look in Sidonis’ eyes as he talked about what he did to Garrus’ team. That man was deeply haunted. “If you want him to pay for his mistakes, letting him live is the best guarantee of that. It’s much harder to live with our choices than to die for them.”

Garrus didn’t answer. He turned away from her and gripped the edge of the console. He was quiet for a long moment. “It should have been my choice,” he said in a low and hard tone.

“You’re right. It should have been,” she said, trying to keep the regret out of her voice.

He turned back to look at her, anger and hurt simmering in his eyes. “Then why did you make it for me?”

She lifted her chin. “During the mission, I realized you were too close to the situation to make a call based on rational thinking.” She’d just barely been fast enough to keep Garrus from blowing out Harkin’s knee cap. 

Garrus shook his head and seemed to get more angry. “Don’t. Don't do that to me. Don’t feed me the ‘Commander Approved’ line. I deserve to know the truth.” He stepped towards her, searching her face for the real reason. “Why?” he demanded.

She knew the real reason. It was very simple. She was scared of losing him. Even if he was still standing right next to her, she could have lost him today. She might lose him still.

She took a moment to put her words in order. “I know that the last two years were hard on you. I know that losing your team like you did nearly killed you. I see the cost of what happened more than I think you realize. But at the core of you, you’re still you. You’re still Garrus. If you’d killed Sidonis today… there would have been two dead turians in that market.”

His expression fell into quiet rage. “So you didn’t let me make the choice.”

“After what I saw with Harkin, I knew you couldn’t. I knew you wouldn’t.”

“So you saved me from myself, is that it?” Bitterness dripped off every syllable.

But she stood her ground. “It is.”

He stepped back. “You’re wrong.”

She hesitated, but he needed to hear this. “You know I’m not.”

“No. For once, Shepard, you’re  _ wrong _ . I don’t care what you think you see, you do  _ not _ understand what the last two years were like. You have no idea what I went through. It wasn’t your choice to make!” He shook his head and turned away. “Just… go. Go.”

Everything in her wanted to stay. She wanted to move towards him, pull him close and tell her that she was sorry. She didn’t want to be the one making these tough choices. She wanted to be the one he sought for comfort, to be a safe harbor for him. A place to heal from the trauma he’d suffered. She wanted to be honest and open with him. Tell him how the fear of losing him to revenge and bitterness went down to her very core.

But instead she nodded.

“Alright,” she said and left the main battery. Shepard schooled her face into an unreadable mask before passing back through the silent mess hall again. No one dared say anything this time. When she reached the elevator, she finally let her shoulders drop. She let out a long breath.

She didn’t even make it into her room, just leaned back against the wall and sank to the floor in the hallway outside her cabin. She’d been so scared of losing Garrus and now it looked like she might anyway. His words echoed in her mind. Something deep inside her ached.

It hurt especially to have him to be the one to turn away from her. They’d been through so much together. He’d been there when she became a Spectre; she’d helped him chase down Saleon. When she woke up in Lazarus, he was who she thought of first. Standing in his sights, she could only recall one other time before when she was more terrified for Garrus. And that was when she was holding his face together with nothing but her bare hands and hope. He was her best friend. Her partner.

And she’d hopelessly fallen for him.

It was about time she admitted that to herself. She’d known for a while, but had been stringently denying it. Now, the facts were too strong to deny. It was love even more than fear that made her stop him, made her try to save him. And now she might lose him for the exact same reason.


	10. Chapter 10

It was soothing to have Thanix calibrations to sink himself into after the disastrous Sidonis mission. Garrus hardly left the main battery for the next several days. And he certainly never saw Shepard. She didn’t even stop by for her usual nightly rounds. He asked for her to leave and she did. But all it did was give him plenty of time to think. Smart woman. 

His anger had slowly evaporated over the ensuing days. Now he was left mostly with the sense of ‘now what?’. He’d been holding onto that thirst for revenge for months now. And even though he’d been denied a taste, he could still tell that it wouldn’t have satisfied him. Killing Sidonis wouldn’t bring his team back. It wouldn’t undo what had already been done. If anything, he would have simply been hungry for more. Shepard was right. Damn it.

Even still, he didn’t feel ready to face her yet. She’d be gracious and understanding, of course; more so than he deserved really. But he wanted time to mourn. The loss of his team, the loss of his purpose. So he gave himself another day.

It was late in the day cycle when EDI’s calm voice interrupted his dutiful calibrations.

“Logged: Commander Shepard has left the  _ Normandy. _ XO Lawson presiding.”

Garrus lifted his head. That was strange. If there was a mission, there should have been a briefing with the whole squad beforehand. Argument or not, he definitely should have gotten a notification for that. But he had none. He then realized that he had no clue where in the galaxy the ship even was. 

“EDI?” he said.

“Yes, Officer Vakarian?” EDI replied. Her avatar appeared in the corner of the battery.

“Where are we?”

“Omega Nebula, Armada system. We are currently in orbit over Alchera.”

That sounded familiar to him--wait. “Alchera?” he repeated. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I am always sure.”

Indignation suddenly flashed. “Where’s Miranda?”

“XO Lawson is currently in her quarters.”

Garrus was out the door before EDI finished her sentence. He had questions and they  _ would _ be answered. He dashed through the crew deck, he seemed to be doing that a lot these days. Miranda was typing on her computer at her desk.

“Miranda,” he barked as he barreled through the doors.

She looked up at him, not the least bit bothered by his demeanor. “Ah, look who decided to finally grace us with his presence. Always a pleasure, Garrus.”

“What are we doing over Alchera?” Garrus demanded, glaring accusingly at her.

“The Commander said to go to Alchera and so we’re here.”

“That’s it?!”

“Yes. Some of us still trust her to know what’s best for the mission,” Miranda replied icily. 

Garrus bit down on the reply he really wanted to give Miranda. What she said was rude, but not unfounded. Not after what Miranda saw post-Sidonis. 

“But  _ what _ are we doing here? Who’s on Shepard’s ground team?”

“Not that it’s any of your business,” Miranda said, frowning ever so slightly and folding her hands. “But Shepard wanted to go down to the surface, to the wreckage of the SR1. So I arranged for a shuttle and she went alone. She’s going to call when she’s ready for pick up.”

“Do you even know what this planet is?” 

“I do, perhaps better than you.”

He scoffed.

Finally, her careful facade of control cracked. “I know that at one point you were about the only person Shepard trusted on this ship, but that is no longer the case. You are  _ not _ the only person here who cares for her. But the rest of us Know Our Place.” Her arms crossed. “Something you seem to have forgotten.”

He didn’t want to hear anymore of this. Especially from Miranda. So he turned on his heel and left.

He knew his place. It was on Shepard’s six, always had been, always would be. He knew that his level of concern for her had long outstripped what was normal for even a fiercely loyal squadmate. But he had no right to express that concern, because by every outward appearance he was just a member of her squad. And really that's all he actually was. Spirits, this just kept getting more and more complicated.

Garrus asked EDI to tell him when Shepard was back on the ship and he tried to focus on calibrations. He really did. But the next couple hours crawled by at a glacial pace. It was several hours into the night cycle by the time EDI alerted him that Shepard had returned to the ship.

He gave it another fifteen minutes before he made his way to elevator. Miranda was right. He was no longer the only person on the ship Shepard trusted. And he wasn’t the only person that would understand what Alchera meant to her. But he wanted to be the one there for her right now. He hoped that he hadn’t missed his chance, just like Samara had warned him.

Garrus stepped off the elevator at the top deck and stopped. Her door was partially open, blocked from shutting by her helmet that was dropped on the floor in its path. As he stepped into the room, he found the rest of her outer armor pieces discarded on the floor by her desk. Neatly arranged on the desktop though were about twenty dog tags in various states of thaw, all with names he recognized. The shower was running in her bathroom.

He looked at the door for a moment. This was probably a very bad idea. Certainly, a very bold one with a low probability of success. What else was new? He took off the outer parts of his armor as well, leaving him in his undersuit, and opened the door. 

At first he was hit by a wall of steam and then he saw Shepard. She was leaning into the far wall, her head pressed into the crook of her arm. She’d only managed to get one arm out of her undersuit and then had apparently abandoned the process. The half-exposed pale skin of her back was turning red under the spray of the shower. 

She didn’t move though she definitely had to have felt the draft from him coming inside. So he stepped towards her and tentatively touched her bare shoulder. The water was warm even by his standards, but Shepard’s skin was warmer still to his touch. She seemed to be shivering however. So he stepped closer. He wrapped an arm around her middle and the other about her upper chest, pressing her back to his front. She let out a breath and tilted her head back till it rested against him as well.

He just held her for a minute or so, letting the shower be the only noise they heard. Her shivering abated some.

“I know we’re not talking right now… but do you think we could take a break? Just for tonight?” she asked, her voice sounding so tired.

His heart ached. Not talking right now, he’d done that to them. “Of course,” he whispered.

She turned to face him and stood up on her toes, fingers brushing the sides of his neck. Her lips gently kissed his mouth, hesitant, questioning.

He hadn’t kissed her since that night on Omega, since that night that he realized he’d broken rule number four. He was absolutely in love with her and every bit of him wanted to take her in his arms and show her just how much. But that wasn’t what they had agreed to. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be honest. 

So he dropped his arms from around her and shook his head. “Shepard… I--I can’t.”

She stepped back. For the briefest second, he saw deep hurt flash across her face and then the mask appeared. “I see,” she said simply. 

“I can expla--”

“No. There’s no need,” she said, her voice level as a thresher-maw’s nest. Her gaze dropped away from him. “I get it.”

She didn’t get it. She couldn’t get it. What could he tell her that would make her understand?

“You should go,” she whispered.

“Shepard, I--”

“Please.” Her eyes shut and then she turned away from him. “Go.”

And so he did, hating himself every step of the way.


	11. Chapter 11

Shepard passed through the doors to Engineering. Donnelly and Daniels nodded to her as she walked by them. They weren’t bickering for once. Shepard swore that they put even old married couples to shame. But they weren’t who she was here to see.

“Shepard,” Tali said, looking up from the computer she was typing away at. “What can I do for you?”

“Have you got a minute?” she replied.

Tali nodded and waved her over towards the mass effect core. The thrum from the engine was loud enough that they wouldn’t be overheard. 

Shepard looked up at the big glowing sphere. “I know it’s perfectly safe like this, but some part of me still thinks we’re going to discover ten years from now that standing so close to these things gives you cancer or something,” she half-muttered.

“You don’t think we’d already know that if they did?” Tali asked in an amused tone, leaning on one of the railings.

“It’s a big galaxy, Tali. We’re learning new things everyday.”

“I suppose so,” she mused. “Was there something in particular you wanted to talk about?”

Shepard leaned on the railing next to her. “Yeah, I wanted to check in with you. I know it’s not easy for you working with Legion and I just wanted to see how you were doing.” She tried to study her face, but as always Tali’s tinted visor obfuscated the finer details of her expressions.

“I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me, Shepard,” she said and smiled a little.

“Eh, I do anyway.” Shepard shrugged her shoulders and gave her a smile in return. “Part of the job. So, Legion aside, how are you? I feel like I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk with you.”

Tali frowned. “I’m… it’s hard, mourning for someone that you thought you knew but it turns out you didn’t know them at all.”

“I can imagine.”

She sighed and shook her head. “I know it’s a little strange, but having this mission has helped a lot. Gives me something to focus on, instead of how I feel, you know?”

“I know exactly what you mean.” She’d buried herself in finding the Reaper IFF core to distract herself from how totally she had fucked up everything with Garrus. It had very nearly worked too. Of course there were always down moments, but she now had plenty of other crew that were good distractions.

Tali’s head tilted to the side. “What are  _ you _ distracting yourself from?”

“Um…” Shepard blinked a few times. Damn, she’d forgotten how perceptive Tali was. “Uh, nothing.” She shook her head.

“Oh, I don’t think so, Shepard. Do you remember what you told me at the party after we defeated Sovereign?”

“I know for a fact that I’d had a lot to drink that night--”

Tali continued like Shepard hadn’t spoken. “You put your arms around me and Liara and you said that we were like the sisters you never had.”

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d say,” Shepard tried to argue. But Tali wasn’t hearing it.

“And don’t try to lie to me. I can read you like a datapad, Shepard.” The teasing glimmer in her eyes faded a little. “I know that you’ve had something on your mind this past week,” she said softly.

Shepard took a deep breath and looked back up at the glowing engine. “Was I being that obvious?”

“No, you just become very professional when something’s bothering you. I heard you call Jack ‘ma’am’. So it must be pretty bad.”

Shepard frowned and shook her head. “I…” She’d hardly let herself think about what had happened. Lord knows that she had enough to deal with. But she kept tripping over it. And though Tali really was like a sister to her, Shepard didn’t feel quite like sharing all the messy, messy details. She didn’t want to stack everything up and see the final cost of her actions.

“I messed up with a friend. Let them down when they really needed me. And I don’t think there’s anything I can do to fix it.”

The look in Garrus’ eyes from the argument in the battery, it seemed to follow her. It was a look of betrayal. Of course he didn’t want to keep casually seeing her after that. What was she even thinking that night in the shower? How had it come to this?

“Are you sure?” Tali asked in a quiet voice.

“Yeah. Just… sometimes things don’t work out, you know?” She’d lost friends before, whether to battle or differences of opinion. But losing Garrus hurt a hell of a lot more. She knew exactly why too.

Tali didn’t try and offer any advice, thankfully. She just reached over and squeezed Shepard’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”


	12. Chapter 12

Garrus looked up when he heard the main battery door open behind him. The ship was practically empty now. Who was left that would want to see him? 

“Hey Garrus, could you help me with this mod I found?” Tali held out her shotgun. “It’s supposed to expand my clip size, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m not sure what’s wrong.”

“Sure.” He took the gun and looked it over while Tali made herself comfortable on the crate in the corner. On initial inspection, there didn’t seem to be any obvious reason why the mod wasn’t working.

“Have you been around the ship much?” she asked, interrupting his train of thought.

“No.”

“It’s… spooky without the crew.”

“That’s why I’m staying in here.”

They were on their way to the Omega-4 relay right now. He’d been trying to squeeze just a half a percent more out of the main gun, but he’d pretty much decided it was a lost cause. There was nothing left to do now but wait. At least he was good at that. Too good.

“Do you even ever leave this room?” Tali asked, sounding amused.

“Of course.”

“For something other than meals?”

He glanced up at her. “I have to shower some time.” He pulled out the tool set he used for modding, fixing this would require pulling the gun apart.

Tali shook her head and chuckled a little. “Didn’t realize how busy of a job Shepard gave you.”

He didn’t reply, just hummed in response. They were quiet for a few minutes as he partially deconstructed her shotgun. He almost forgot she was there as he focused in on the minutiae of the inner workings.

“Hey, have you talked to her recently?” she asked.

He hadn’t said two words to Shepard since the night in the shower. It was the longest they’d gone without speaking in the entire time they knew each other. Well, except for the two years she was dead.

“Uh, no. Not really,” he replied, focusing very deliberately on the gun.

She sighed. “I was hoping you would know what was bothering her. Something’s wrong…”

He frowned and didn’t look at Tali, she’d be able to read his guilty expression from a mile away. “Well… we are facing a suicide mission.” He hoped that that was what was bothering Shepard, even though he knew it wasn’t.

“No, that’s not it. She didn’t seem to really want to tell me what happened though.” Tali stood up and rested her elbows on the console, watching him work. “Maybe someday we’ll know Shepard outside of a mission and then she’ll be honest about her feelings.”

He didn’t respond, just stared down at the gun. 

Tali looked at him. “Garrus… what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said quickly, not looking up. Very believable, Vakarian.

“You’ve been unscrewing that screw for the last minute and a half.” 

He set down the tool, but didn’t look up. “It’s nothing you can fix,” he said, softly.

They were quiet for a minute, then Tali finally spoke. “Are… are you the friend Shepard let down?”

He felt that like a punch between the ribs. “Is that what she told you?”

“She said she disappointed a friend when they really needed her… and that some things just don’t work out… Garrus, what happened?”

He sighed and glanced towards her. “It’s complicated.”

Instead of replying, she just looked at him expectantly.

He frowned and spoke slowly, trying to find the right words. “Shepard didn’t let me down… but she doesn’t know that because I haven’t told her.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m in love with her.”

Tali’s eyes grew wide with sudden alarm. “ _ What _ ?” she squeaked.

He caught her up to speed, from the drunken beginning to the rules they set down to his confession after helping Samara to Sidonis and then the finale after Alchera. Setting it all out for inspection, part of him wondered how in the world they thought it would end any other way than this? Were they so naive as to think feelings wouldn’t become involved at all?

“Garrus, you  _ bosh’tet _ ,” Tali declared when he finished. “You love Shepard and you told me before you told her???”

“I haven’t told her because she doesn’t want to see me!” he tried to defend himself.

“She doesn’t want to see you because she thinks that you don’t want to see her!!” Tali pointed at him forcefully. “Keelah, you two are the most stubborn people in the galaxy.”

“I can’t tell her, Tali. I can’t.”

“Why not??? We’re facing a  _ suicide _ mission, Garrus. The entire crew was just kidnapped off of our own ship! If there was ever a time for declarations of love, it’s now!”

“Because… it-it would change too much,” he finished weakly, falling back on the old excuse. 

“You think things haven’t changed already?” Tali scoffed a little. “The time for you to not change things with Shepard was probably about the time you decided to start sleeping with Shepard!”

He didn’t have an answer for that. She was right, he knew she was.

“You say you don’t want to lose her,” Tali continued, her voice falling down into something gentle but insistent. “But if you keep this up, you will. Even if you both survive, you absolutely will lose her.”

He dropped his head. “I know,” he admitted. That was the worst part of all of this.

“So what are you going to do about it?” she challenged.


	13. Chapter 13

Shepard was never very good at waiting. It’s why she never made a very good sniper. She was much better at doing than sitting. That was one good thing about a life in the military, there was almost always something you could be doing. She’d tried walking through the ship, but all that did was make her more anxious to find her crew. So with two hours on the countdown clock till they reached the Omega-4 relay, Shepard was up in her cabin giving her armor the cleaning of a lifetime.

This certainly wouldn’t be her first mission with a low probability of a safe return. But rarely did she have such advanced notice that that’s what they were heading into. It wasn’t exactly pleasant, having copious amounts time to contemplate her more than likely ensuing end. So she put far too much mental energy into her cleaning process. Focusing on stubborn stains and concealed dirt, instead of regrets and missed opportunities. If she was going to meet her Maker again, she was going to do it with a clean kit.

However, she was interrupted when the door to her cabin opened and Garrus burst through. He practically ran down the stairs and then froze when he saw her sitting on her couch, her armor partially gleaming on the table in front of her.

“Garrus?” she asked, sitting up a little. Despite everything, her heart still pattered a little at the sight of him. 

His mouth opened and shut a few times without saying anything.

“Did you… need something?” she asked, standing up.

“No,” he quickly answered. “Ah, yes. I, uh…” 

They were silent for a long moment, her fish tank vaguely bubbling in the background. Well, if he wasn’t going to say anything, she would.

“Garrus, I’m sorry,” she said. His gaze suddenly lifted to meet hers. 

It was maybe not the strongest command decision, but she was probably going to die in two hours. And she didn’t want to go out with this still weighing on her mind. 

“About what happened with Sidonis,” she clarified. “You were right. It absolutely should have been your decision--”

“No,” he interrupted, stepping towards her. “No, you--you were right. I wouldn’t have made the right choice. You were absolutely right.” He paused for a moment. “If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. And I am. You did what you had to do to protect me and then I yelled at you for it--”

“No, I understand. You were frustrated, I get it. I just was sc--” She stopped herself from finishing that sentence. They were quiet again, though the tension remained in the room. 

“I’m sorry about Alchera,” he said in a low voice, looking intently at her.

“You don’t--”

“I wanted to be there, I really did. But I--”

“You don’t have to--that’s…” She shook her head and shrugged a little, forcing herself to sound detached. “It was casual. When it’s over… it’s over. No questions asked,” she said, trying partially to reassure him and also remind herself. He wasn’t the idiot who went and caught feelings. That was her problem, and she’d take it to her grave before she made it his too. Luckily, that wouldn’t take too long.

However, he didn’t look relieved. If anything, he looked… disappointed? She was probably reading too much into that.

“Right. Casual,” he said, frowning.

“I think it was just that for me… it happened so soon after, I… I was scared I lost you as a friend.” She dropped her gaze.

He stepped around the table towards her, his hand outstretched towards her. “You haven’t, I promise. You never will.”

Relief untied the knot in her stomach. She smiled a little at him. “So much for keeping things neat and simple, huh?”

“Yeah.” He echoed her smile.

Shepard closed the distance between them and hugged him tightly. His arms wrapped around her, a hand pressing against the back of her head. She held onto him for a long moment. He was still here, he was still her best friend. Maybe they weren’t exactly what she wanted, but they were still Shepard and Vakarian. She could walk into Hell with her head held high as long as Garrus was by her side. She should let go now though… she should. She really should. She really really--

“Shepard,” Garrus interrupted her thoughts, his voice low and fervent. He was still holding her too, she noticed. “There’s every chance that we might die in the next few hours.” He leaned back enough see her face, his hand moving to brush along her jawline. “And if I’m going to die… I want to spend my last hours with you.”

His eyes locked with hers, burning with intensity.

He took a deep breath. “But even if I wasn’t going to die… I’d still want to be with you. Not just for release, not casually. I… I want to be with  _ you _ .”

It felt like her heart might burst out of her chest. He… he wanted to be with her. Even right now, even after everything, they were still miraculously on the same page. How in the world did she ever get so lucky as to find him? She stared up at him for a few seconds, until she saw the worried expression cross his face. Right, she hadn’t actually said anything yet.

“I--” She took a steadying breath and nodded. “I want that too,” she said. 

“Really?” he breathed.

“Yeah.” She smiled lopsidedly. “I--” It was probably too soon to say this. But fuck that. They only had two hours and she was done giving up chances. “I love you, Garrus.”

He pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you too, Shepard,” he exhaled. They basked in the moment, gazing at each other in quiet wonder. 

Garrus tilted his head to kiss her, emotion poured into every subtle movement. It felt like a chasm expanded between them. Shepard needed to be closer than just in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding onto him tightly and deepening their kiss. She practically climbed up onto him, hitching a leg over his waist. He caught her and pulled her flush against him, nibbling down her neck. She wanted more, she  _ needed _ more. This still wasn’t close enough.

She yanked her shirt off, then buried her face between his neck and his cowl. She pressed desperate kisses to the sensitive skin, aching to make up for lost time. His warm peppery scent surrounded her. More, more.

“Shepard,” he groaned as she ran her nails up the back of his neck. “Slow down.”

“Two.” She kissed his uninjured mandible. “Hours.” Then caught the tip of it between her teeth and nibbled. He shuddered like a live spark went through his spine and a sharp rumble filled his chest. He turned swiftly and then placed her down in the bed, catching her wrists in his hands and pinning them to the bed.  _ Oh _ . 

For a moment, they just panted and looked at each other.

“We only have  _ two _ hours,” she whined, arching her back to try and meet him again. But he hovered too far out of reach.

“We  _ only _ have two hours,” he replied patiently. She stopped and laid flat beneath him. He dipped his head and brushed his forehead against hers. They were quiet for another moment. “If this is going to be it for us… I want it to be perfect,” he whispered. 

She let out a long breath. Maybe he had a point. He let her wriggle a wrist free so she could caress his cheek, tracing his markings carefully. 

“It’s already perfect,” she said, admiring how blue his eyes were. “Because it’s you.”

Shepard had always thought that Garrus’ eyes were beautiful, but the way that they looked in that moment--she’d never forget it, she decided right then. Blue, and warm, and filled with love--so much love that she could float away in it. He kissed her again, slow and enveloping, and she practically melted beneath him. He was right; this was better. Better to savor every touch, every breath, every feeling.

He slid an arm behind her and pulled her close again, resting on the bed next to her. She trailed the tips of her fingers down his side, drawing a featherlight design over his waist. His shirt was probably blocking most of the sensation, but he still shivered and a low continual rumble started in his chest. She felt her bra strap be pulled away from her back and then after a moment, the whole piece was whisked away.

“So was that practice? Or just pure luck?” she asked, smiling a little as his hand smoothed over her side and up her front.

“A little of both,” he murmured, observing her reactions as he gently touched the sensitive skin. “You’re so soft.” The wondrous tone to his voice made her heart swell.

She chuckled breathlessly. “Not too squishy, I hope.”

He shook his head. “More… silky.”

“Mm, I like that.”

“I do too.” His head lowered as he took over drawing the pattern over her breasts with his tongue now. Her head dropped back and she let herself sink into the sensations. He was precise and laser focused on his task. Her heart hammered against her ribcage as he coaxed breathless sighs from her. She felt his hand slide down her stomach, she could have sworn he smiled as the muscles twitched under his delicate touch, and then rub across the front of her pants. God, yes. But he was wearing far too many clothes still.

However, she wasn’t as familiar with these civvies he was wearing as she was his armor. She ran her hands over his shirt, searching for a buckle, a button, a seam--Anything! Finding nothing useful, she grunted and just grabbed a bit of loose fabric near the cowl.

“Off,” she ordered, pulling fruitlessly on the shirt. However, the power behind the order was cut off at the knees as his hand unexpectedly slipped between her thighs and she let out a high-pitched gasp. Jesus, he might make her come while she was still wearing pants. He didn’t appear to hear her plea, just kept touching her in all the right ways. So she clenched her legs, trapping his hand between them. He let out a low growl, just enough to make the hairs on her arms stand up, and lifted his head to glare at her. “Off,” she repeated, managing to be more authoritative.

His mandibles moved back and forth, calculating the risks of ignoring her request. She leaned forward and kissed the uninjured one, which apparently made up his mind. He sat up and quickly undid a few hidden snaps, throwing the shirt far away from him.

“Happy now?” he asked, dropping back into his previous position with an indulgent smile. She rolled and pressed her bare front against his. He purred at the contact.

“Ecstatic,” she replied, relishing how warm he was. He was like slipping into a bath at the perfect temperature. Her muscles instantly relaxed and she ran her hand down his side, kissing him again. She smoothed her hand over his waist, a low rumble filling his chest. 

Then suddenly he grabbed her wrist again. He grabbed the other one too and pinned them both over her head as he straddled her. Oh  _ wow _ . A bright traitorous blush blossomed across her cheeks and spread down her chest, her breathing instantly becoming very shallow. He chuckled and leaned down to brush his forehead against hers.

“Interesting,” he said before kissing her. “Is this good for you?”

Bastard. As if he couldn’t tell by the shade of her face. She bit her tongue and closed her eyes to try and get ahold of herself. But she still nodded. This was  _ definitely _ good for her. Surprisingly though, he relaxed his grip on her wrists and dragged his palms down her arms.

“Have to save that for later,” he murmured into her neck before nipping the skin. She gasped and grabbed his shoulders. “I already have plans for tonight.”

Her toes curled at the way he said ‘plans’. “Oh?” she said, trying hard to sound like she wasn’t already a writhing mess. She felt his hand return to the front of her pants. He deftly undid the zipper and whipped them off, tossing them the way of his shirt. She still had her underwear, but at least they were moving in the right direction now. He was just taking his sweet, sweet time, much to her frustration and secret delight.

He laid down next to her again and trailed his fingertips over the jutt of her hip bones while kissing her languidly. She canted her hips towards him, eager for more contact. But he stilled and didn’t move any closer to where she wanted him so desperately.

“Garrus,” she whined, stroking his neck to try and entice him to move  _ faster _ .

“Relax, Shepard,” he whispered directly into her ear, making her shiver with his deep tone. “I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you.” He moved to meet her gaze, a distinctly tender look in his eyes. “I’ll always take care of you.”

She must really love him. No one else could take her from blushing to frustrated to swooning in less than twenty words. There weren’t really words to describe everything she wanted to convey to him, so she settled for, “I love you”.

He brushed her forehead with his again and then kissed her, his tongue stroking against hers affectionately. Her back arched as she felt him finally press against her center, a low moan emitting from her mouth. She pulled him closer as she rocked against his palm. He let her control the speed and the intensity. This was so good, she could already feel waves of bliss beginning to crest. That was when he pulled away and a needy whine left her throat.

It was stopped when he grabbed her ankles and pulled her to the edge of the bed. His finger hooked around her underwear and he made eye contact with her again.

“May I?” he asked, pulling on the soaked piece of clothing. She nodded and he ripped it clean through.

“Fuck,” she said breathlessly. That was even sexier now than it had been when she was drunk.

He chuckled. “Not yet.” He knelt before her and gently grazed his talons along the inside of her thighs. Anyone else, she might have blushed under their careful study. But Garrus’ heated gaze just made her open further for him. He pressed a kiss to the inside of her knee, and then slowly dragged his mouth plates up her thigh till he was so, so close--but then he kissed the other knee and repeated the process even slower.

“Garrus,” she moaned deep in her throat.

He stopped, close enough that she could feel his breath upon her. “I  _ love _ when you say my name like that,” he said in a low gravelly tone that made her muscles clench automatically. Her one piece of consolation was that he was breathing heavily too and she’d barely touched him. Well, it should have been consolation. Rather, it turned into a feedback loop and just made her more aroused. She hadn’t thought that was possible at this point.

“Garrus…” She opened her eyes to find him watching her hungrily with all the patience in the world. “Please,” she whispered. 

Garrus let out a toe curling growl and finally,  _ finally _ , granted her reprieve. Shepard probably would have shot straight off the bed if not for his firm grip over her thighs and hips. It was almost psychic the way his tongue found exactly where she wanted him most, over and over again. Sometimes light gentle caresses, sometimes direct deliberate strokes. She grappled around for an anchor, something to keep her from bursting. Almost frantic moans and gasps were bubbling out of her. She spouted an incoherent babble of compliments for his fine, fine work mixed with swears to every deity she’d ever heard of. Oh, she wanted so badly for this to last but she could already feel herself slipping. He was so good. It was going to be So. Good. 

And then he pulled away entirely, standing up and stepping back. She whimpered, actually whimpered, and clenched her thighs together, seeking that last little bit of friction that she needed. But he’d stopped at just the right moment. Of course he had.

She opened her eyes to yell at him, but he was already returning to kneel between her legs, his pants now conspicuously absent. Thankfully, he was already free of his sheath and almost as ready for her as she was for him. He nuzzled between her breasts and then slipped up to her neck, his mandibles flickering on the dewey skin.

“You have… some nerve, Vakarian,” she said, finally catching her breath enough to speak coherently. 

He chuckled and pulled her back to the center of the bed. “I learned from the best,” he said, brushing her forehead with his again. His rumble stuttered as she reached down to stroke along his length. He twitched beneath her fingers as he gripped the sheets by her head.

“Spirits,” he groaned, dropping his head to her shoulder and grabbing her hand to stop touching him.

“Garrus, please don’t make me wait anymore.”

He shook his head. “I won’t. I’m not.” He brought her hand up and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. It took a moment for them to situate themselves. He aligned himself with her entrance and sought her eyes, a question in his. She nodded. He rested his forehead on hers, their eyes locked on each other as he moved inside her. They were both silent till he was fully immersed. A long low breath left her as his hand threaded into her hair, the other one tracing soothingly along her side.

“Shepard,” he whispered in a strangled voice, his eyes squeezing shut.

“Jane,” she whispered back. His eyes shot open and met hers, their foreheads still touching. “Call me Jane?”

“Jane.” So few people ever called her by her first name anymore. She didn’t mind it much. But to hear it from Garrus in this moment meant more than she would have ever guessed. She felt… known. Known in a way that she’d never been before. He understood her fully and she him. They saw the worst parts of each other, every flaw, every doubt, every failing. And they still wanted each other. Still loved each other. Not even in spite of it all, but because of it all.

Emotions swelled within her and a tear leaked out of the corner of her eye. Garrus above her suddenly looked concerned; he wiped the tear away with his free hand. She smiled a little and rubbed his cheek with her thumb. How could she even begin to explain? But then she realized, she didn’t have to. He already understood.

He kissed her gently, more of a brush against her lips. “We can stop if you want,” he said quietly, looking deeply into her eyes.

She shook her head. “No, please. I want this. I want you.” She leaned up and kissed him, the passion stirring.

He touched his forehead to hers again. “Jane,” he sighed in a whisper, slightly rocking against her. It was like the first wave of the tide rolling in. Her heart rate picked back up and her breathing grew shallow. He moved within her again and she rolled with him. The current between them began to build, slowly at first. She kissed him, wrapping an arm about his neck and the other caressing his waist. He answered with a continual rumble that she felt through her bones. He whispered her name repeatedly into her neck, pressing lipless kisses along the column. Pleasure snapped off her skin like electric sparks.

“Jane,” Garrus said through gritted teeth, starting to already lose his rhythm. “I--I--”

She wasn’t quite there yet. She turned her head and caught him for another kiss, stilling beneath him. He followed her lead as she changed their position to her straddling his lap as he sat up. He just held her for a moment and caught his breath, resting his head on her shoulder.

“You okay?” she asked. 

He nodded and raised his head. “Almost got away from me there.”

She smiled and kissed him again, tangling her tongue with his. He trailed his tongue along her jawline, down to her collarbone. He nipped the skin lightly and she gasped, her hips rocking on his. His eyes flickered up to hers and then he dipped his head lower, returning to her breasts. Her breath caught in her throat and her head fell back. He growled and jumped to run his tongue against her now exposed neck.

“Garrus,” she moaned as he trailed his talons down her back causing her to shudder. This was exactly why she loved this arrangement with him. She rose up to her knees and kissed him before she sank back down again. He groaned beneath her, gripping her waist tightly. She started a languid rhythm. His thumb circled over her clit causing her motions to stutter. She swore under her breath and dropped her head to the base of his neck.

He stroked her as she moved again, rising and falling like the sun, like the tide. Tension built in her gut, spreading up along her spine to her scalp. It was like a spring coiling tighter and tighter. They were both shaking like leaves trying to hold out just a little longer, make this moment last a lifetime. 

“Jane,” he whispered. Shepard lifted her head and locked eyes with Garrus.

And the tension snapped, cascading down across her shoulders and shooting out the tips of her fingers and toes. She felt him follow her over the prescipe, diving headlong into oblivion right behind her. Always on her six.

They held each other through the storm. It took several long moments before the exquisite tension dissipated, leaving her body boneless and damp. She collapsed against Garrus, still curled around her and twitching inside her. She focused on bringing her breathing back into a normal range, her heart slowing. Aftershocks still were running across her spine and center. After a minute, she felt him caress her cheek with his and gently run his fingers through her hair. She hummed, her eyes still closed, and didn’t move.

“You alright?” he asked softly. She nodded, but didn’t move otherwise. He chuckled a little. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled, her voice obscured from how she had her face pressed against his neck. She groaned as he moved them, but thankfully all he did was lie down and wrap his arms around her. Slowly, she lifted her head and met his gaze. A lazy smile spread across her face.

“Wow,” she sighed dreamily, slipping an arm around him.

“Agreed,” he replied, brushing his forehead against hers. She relaxed completely as he continued to run his fingers through her hair. He was very deliberate about it, almost as if he was brushing it out for her. She watched him pick out a bit of fuzz from her bangs and she got the distinct impression he was ...preening her. He noticed her watching him and he stopped, looking a little embarrassed.

“You don’t have to stop,” she murmured. He smiled a little and resumed his ministrations. “Though… I am curious about what you’re doing…?”

“Ah…” He stilled as he tried to think of the right words. “Taking… care of you?”

Damn, who knew the vigilante sniper would be so sweet? She hummed and nodded. He returned the combing her hair. She wanted to return the favor, so she reached up and gently trailed her fingers over his fringe. He purred and dipped his head lower so she could reach easier. Well, she must have been doing something right. It was different, but nice to just hold each other and gently touch. She did feel extremely cared for, she could get used to this.

As badly as she wanted to hide in this space with Garrus forever, Shepard knew that the clock was still ticking. She watched him, perfectly peaceful and affectionate, and she didn’t want to shatter this moment. But then her omnitool did it for her, beeping with an alarm she’d set earlier. She sighed. Dammit.

“How much time do we have?” he asked.

“Thirty minutes.”

He hummed in reply and they were quiet for a moment, reality starting to seep back into the edges of their little shared world.

“Garrus…” She looked to him. “What do you think our chances are? Honestly.”

He thought for a moment, drawing idle designs on her shoulder with his thumb. “I… I think that if anyone could go take down the Collector base and live to tell the tale, it’d be this team here. I’m not saying it won’t be dangerous, or that we won’t lose people. But this is _ your _ team; not Cerberus, not Alliance, Shepard’s. You’ve given us the best chance that anyone has ever had of making it through this.”

She nodded. She hoped he understood how much his consistent faith in her meant to her. It was her anchor when she couldn’t trust herself. She definitely wouldn’t have made it this far without him.

“But if you’re asking me,” he continued. “If I think this is the end… Well, I’m going to fight to make sure it isn’t. I have a long list of things I want to do still, and dying on the Collector base isn’t one of them.”

She smiled a little. It was phrases, moments like that that proved to her that no matter how rough Omega had been on him, Garrus was still in there. The spirit of that fiercely determined detective still beat inside him, bruised but not broken. 

“No, of course not. You won’t rest until you’ve rattled the stars,” she said, cupping his cheek. A strange look crossed his face for a moment, almost like recognition. “You’re going to do great things, Garrus. I know that those two years were… hell, but you still accomplished so much. And it was just the beginning for you.” She smiled at him. “I can’t wait to see what you do next and I… I want to be with you when you do. That’s what I’m fighting for.”

Though she meant every word, she hadn’t expect them to affect him so deeply. It was like she handed him the sun; he looked almost overwhelmed. He pressed his forehead back to hers, his eyes shut tightly.

“I love you, Jane,” he whispered fiercely, before catching her lips in a long kiss.

“I love y--” was all she got out before he kissed her again. “I lov--” His hand cupped her cheek and he pressed her back into the bed, still kissing her fervently. “Wait, wait.” He stopped immediately. “I don’t--” She sighed. “I don’t think we have time,” she said sadly, brushing his cheek. 

He pulled up his omnitool and looked at it for a second. “We have twenty minutes.” He looked back to her, an offer in his eyes.

She smiled a little. “You think you won’t need that long?” she quoted herself.

“I think  _ you _ won’t need that long,” he growled with a smile, leaning over to kiss her again.


	14. Chapter 14

“ _ Keelah se’lai _ ,” Tali whispered, staring after the retreating figure of Shepard. Garrus tore his eyes away as she disappeared around the corner to look at Tali. She looked over at him. “We made it?”

They stared at each other, a little shocked and unsure that they were actually really sitting here on the  _ Normandy _ . The newly rescued crew filled the mess area around them as Mordin flitted between people like some sort of deranged bird, applying medigel and shock blankets liberally. 

“Yeah, I think we made it,” Garrus replied, looking out over the scene. Shepard had insisted Garrus and Tali be checked after being knocked unconscious at the tail end of the battle. But before Garrus really put together that they’d actually survived, Shepard was summoned into an audience with the Illusive Man.

“Mordin,” Tali said, flagging down the passing doctor. 

He stopped and scanned her. “Yes, Tali?” he asked, typing rapidly on his omnitool.

“What’s the casualty rate?” she asked in a low voice. “Do you know yet?”

“Yes. All crew accounted for. Minor wounds only. Though psychological trauma will be…” He inhaled for a moment. “Troubling.”

“Wait,  _ all _ crew?” Garrus asked. 

Mordin scanned him now and nodded. “Yes. No casualties.”

“Only Shepard…” Tali said in a wondrous tone. Garrus nodded. His thoughts exactly.

“No injuries requiring treatment detected. Cleared for active combat. Though recommend rest and hydration first.” Mordin handed the two of them each a fluid pack and hurried off to cajole Chakwas into sitting back down.

As he looked out over the crew and the squad, Garrus smiled. “She did it,” he said.

Tali glanced at him and then down at her fluid pack. She repeated the action a few times.

“Something on your mind, Tali?” he drawled, opening his pack and taking a sip. The water from these things always tasted flat.

“...were you able to fix things with Shepard?” she asked in an even lower voice than before.

He smiled a little. “I think so,” he said, getting up and walking away. The ship fell quieter and quieter as the adrenaline wore off and everyone went to sleep at Mordin’s insistence. There would be time enough for celebrations later when wounds weren’t so fresh. Garrus felt his own crash approaching, but there was one thing he had to do before he could truly rest.

The lock on Shepard’s door was red as he stepped off the elevator. Perhaps she wanted to be alone, he wondered walking nearer.  _ Maybe _ , a deep dark voice thought,  _ it was all just pre-battle, certain death anxiety. Maybe she changed her mind.  _ As he approached, however, the door opened automatically for him. He frowned at it momentarily, before catching sight of Shepard. She was dutifully feeding her fish and she gave him a tired smile, still in her armor.

“Hey,” she sighed.

“Hey,” he replied, glancing back at the door as he stepped in. She looked amused when he turned back around.

“I added you to the permissions list for the lock,” she explained casually, leaning back against the tank and folding her arms. Oh. Maybe she hadn’t changed her mind at all. “How’s the crew?”

“Fine, no major injuries.”

She frowned a little. “Did we get everyone?”

“Yeah, you did. All crew and squad accounted for.”

He could practically see the burden that just instantly vanished from her shoulders. She breathed a laugh and shook her head. He knew exactly how she felt.

“How about you?” she asked, looking at him carefully.

He nodded. “Cleared for active duty. Though I can’t say the same for the  _ Normandy _ herself.” He cast a glance back at her desk where her model ships had scattered across the display case and floor.

“You should see the vidcom room. Had to practically tunnel my way in.” She turned and hopped down the steps, heading to where she stowed her armor between missions.

“So what new impossible task does the Illusive Man have for us this time? Kill a Reaper perhaps? Oh, wait, we already did that one.” He made himself comfortable on her couch, immensely glad that he’d changed back to civvies. “Take down a Thresher-Maw on foot? No, did that one too. Now, killing a Reaper  _ with _ a Thresher-Maw, that might be a fun challenge.”

She laughed brightly at that as she pulled off her chestplate. He realized suddenly that it’d been a long time since he’d heard her laugh like that. Over two years in fact. His subvocals couldn’t help but let out a pleased hum. He wanted to hear her laugh again.

“Actually, he doesn’t have any new job for us,” she said, removing her boots and greaves.

“What, did he fire you?” Garrus asked, jokingly. He knew the Illusive Man hadn’t been happy when Shepard stuck with her plan to blow the base sky high. But Shepard was obviously invaluable to him.

“No.” She stood back up and looked at him. “I quit.”

He blinked a few times. “...what?”

“I told him where precisely he could shove his ideas of human galactic dominance and had EDI disable all the trackers and com lines.” She thought for a moment, resting her hands on her hips. “Which I guess makes me a pirate now, considering I am taking his ship.” 

“You’re serious…?” he asked as she turned back to set the armor cleaner to disinfect. 

She nodded, coming to sit next to him. “I figure we can file off the serial numbers when we get to Omega. I hear they’re good at that there.” A smile hovered in her expression.

“So we… don’t work for Cerberus anymore,” he said slowly, marveling at how wonderful that sentence sounded.

“I mean, I’m not going to shanghai anyone. When we get to Omega, anyone can disembark. I fully understand. We did the job I asked everyone to do.”

It took a moment for him to realize that she was extending that offer to him as well. She had the exact same worries that he did. Oh he loved her. He smiled at her and tilted his head playfully. “Shepard, you know you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

A flicker of relief flashed across her face and she smiled. “Can’t blame a girl for trying.”

Doubts addressed, she moved closer to him. She draped her legs over his lap, tucking herself up under his arm and resting her head on his shoulder. He took her hand in his, tracing the lines across her palm.

“Have you ever gone rogue before?” he asked after a few minutes had passed in amiable silence.

She smiled and shook her head. “Do you have any advice?”

He pretended to think for a moment. “Well, Omega’s always a good place to start. Though you’ll definitely need a dangerous-sounding codename.”

“Hm. Some facial scars would probably be appropriate.” She gently ran her thumb over the tip of his now-healed mandible.

“And a partner with a dark past,” he said, making his voice reach down to the registers he knew affected her.

“Wherever will I find one of those?” she asked in a breathless tone, leaning towards him.

“I think I can help you out,” he replied before kissing her, more gently perhaps than the lead up would suggest. They were both exhausted from battle. And even better, they had all the time in the world. He brushed his forehead against hers and squeezed her hand. “Your fingers are freezing.”

She nodded. “This room gets really cold at night. I always wake up half-frozen.”

He pulled her closer, running his hand up and down her arm. “If only you had someone who loved you and ran a few degrees hotter to keep you warm.” 

She looked up at him, a smile in her eyes. “Will you stay here then? With me?”

“Thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you set out to practice writing some smut because you've never done it before and you don't want it to be bad when your other fanfic's plot demands it. And then you wind up writing 50 pages accidentally because dammit you have a story now and you gotta finish it. Anyway, thank you for reading my accident. :) Be sure to let me know your thoughts below. <3, Kaitlyn


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